New Year’s Eve for hardcore party people

New Year’s Eve — or, as I like to call it, “rookie night” — is only a couple of days away and I will once again be avoiding it like a rash. The shiddiest night of the year is marred by people trying to have fun at all costs while clueless humps chug festive cheer by the gallon. Being a high-functioning alcoholic, I can routinely be seen holding up a bar in numerous swill joints in this town most nights of the week and the sight of these one-night drunken children has my eyes rolling so much it looks like I’m having a seizure. Check it: Ugly people having sex in bathroom cubicles, “adults” getting into fist fights over cabs, idiotic babbling, pubic sobbing over celebrity deaths and of course the vomit — oh the vomit. It’s enough to scare this juicehead sober, I tells ya. Thankfully there is some respite happening on Saturday if you feel like hiding from the annual weekend warriors. See my picks below (and the full Cult MTL NYE party guide here):

Thursday: A night of experimental music and visuals can be had at Sala with the star-studded cast of OSB (formerly 1 Speed Bike), Uzerzero, thisquietarmy, Phillipe Leonard, Maggot Breeder, Myriam Boucher, Evoked Response, Guillame Vallee, Fait Divers and Sonya Stefan. 4848 St-Laurent, 9 p.m., $10

Friday: The eighth edition of Merry Krautmas and a Bad Psyché New Year gets underway and will turn your frontal lobes to guacamole with the trance grooves and space jams of Speed Guru, Sid A Cancer, les Dents, Baccam/Chayer, ISIPHITHIPYHI, Space Clouds Filter and DJs Me Float, Interstellaire II and Stereo Typser – Patt keeping Casa’s room spinning. 4873 St-Laurent, 8 p.m., $8/PWYC

Saturday: Analogue Addiction crown the night in their favourite room, l’Esco, playing host to We Are Wolves and Paul Jacobs. This will be all asses and elbows all night, so if you want to squeeze into this, better get there hours before they ring in the New Year. 4467 St-Denis, 9 p.m., $15

Katacombes have a great NYE party happening with Boston’s pogo party punkers Who Killed Spikey Jacket?, Ottawa’s Durs Coeurs, the punk wave of ex-Prowlers and Scarlet Beast’s Lysergic and, after the New Year is rung in, it’s the cold wave of Besatzung, followed by DJ TaberNaki providing the soundtrack while you have sex in Katacombes’ lovely bathrooms. 1635 St-Laurent, 10 p.m., $10

Another show that’s guaranteed to be slammed is the stacked bill of Pelada, Sunstroke Militia and DJs Tyg and Ciemnosc keeping things churning, at la Vitrola. 4602 St-Laurent, 9 p.m., $10

If you want to pretend like you’re ringing in the year 2002, head down to l’Olympia for the proven world-punk party band Gogol Bordello, with Low Cut Connie. Don’t gamble — this is going to be fun. 1004 Ste-Catherine E., 9 p.m., $53.75/$63.75

Sunday: Hungover? Regretting making out with your landlord? Of course you are, and there is no better cure than listening to bad ’80s toonz as warbled terribly out of key at screeching decibel levels as you cry in your pint. This very special personal moment can be had at Notre Dame des Quilles’s longest running karaoke night, Lipster. Hotcha!

Current Obsession: Earth, 2

jonathan.cummins@gmail.com