Read our Christmas poem for Montreal

A Visit from St. Grincholas is the only Christmas story you need to read this year.

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A Visit from St. Grincholas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through Quebec-a
Not a Muslim was praying, nor pointing to Mecca.
The Sikhs had unwrapped their turbans with care
In fear that the Marois might soon cut their hair.

Paranoid rednecks snored away in their beds
While nightmares of kippahs danced in their heads.
I had fired up the laptop (why, yes, it’s a Mac)
And started preparing a light Christmas snack.

When out on St. Lawrence arose such a clatter
That I almost dropped my wine-and-cheese platter.
The noise was so loud I could take it no more
So I threw on my jacket and threw open the door.

Triple-time crews ploughed the new-fallen snow
As I sought the noise all up and down the Plateau.
When what should I spy, almost out of thin air
But a Bill 60 protest led by Québec Solidaire!

I saw Françoise David and Amir Khadir,
I saw teachers and lawyers and a bridge engineer!
Banners flew proudly from UQAM and McGill
while thousands of voices called out in the chill:

“Out Marois, out Drainville and Bertrand St-Arnaud.
Out Lisée and Maltais and Stéphane Bergeron.
Real Quebec values don’t include fear
of beliefs or of people who don’t come from here.”

As mobsters before a UPAC raid would fly
When caught with their fingers in municipal pie
So up to Quebec City the protesters flew
With well-researched briefs and a hijab or two.

And there we all saw a sight bound to amaze!
Yes, Christmas carols sung by PQ MNAs.
(Okay, Drainville was actually sending a tweet
But the others all sang, though off-tune and off-beat.)

Voices ignored ’round this Christmas tree
Included Bouchard, Parizeau and Landry.
Feminists and nationalists were all shoved aside
In one great appeal to close-minded pride.

Over in Ottawa, Stephen Harper looked scruffy,
As you would too, if you’d been rolled on by Duffy!
He was deadly afraid of shedding some light
On who was the liar in l’affaire Nigel Wright.

But his omnibus bills had been quite the caper,
Burying thousands of cuts under mountains of paper.
And who cares about science? The future be damned;
Oilsands and pipelines, up your arse they’ll be rammed.

He was chubby and plump… no, wait, that’s Coderre!
Montreal’s newly elected and tweet-loving mayor.
His very first scandal blew up straightaway
When he dared criticize the Habs’ Desharnais.

But let’s now get back to our tale of repression,
A law inspired, no doubt, by manic depression.
A cure for an illness that no one can find;
The result of a devilish, devious mind.

Marois turned up the heat on her white Catholic choir,
Their voices all raised against non-Christian attire.
Then she cried to the “ethnics,” as she closed for Noël,
“Since we don’t get your votes, you can all go to hell.” ■

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