These real estate listings are hilarious

This rear patio in Westmount could totally be yours.

We’re not real estate mavens, but we at Cult MTL have been known to gawk at homes for sale and scrutinize their prices, even if the factors that inform them — the market, the price of oil, the luxury penthouses in Toronto, God himself — remain a mystery to us.

As does the writing that appears in some of the listings that, yes, we occasionally browse online. While we tend toward ads for spots in our own areas (fun game: guess where!), the rabbit hole we fall down sometimes takes us elsewhere on the island. In an effort to sell these homes, whoever is responsible for the copy that appears next to the photos of them does not shy away from some of the greatest sentences ever put to paper. So with that in mind, we present you with five unintentionally hilarious local real estate listings.

Location: Plateau
Price: $5.2-million
Selling point: “Intensely expansive & sunny, facing the wondrous Jeanne Mance Park, this penthouse is a promise for a quality of life that is utterly out of this world.”

Location: Beaconsfield
Price: $5.5-million
Selling point: “This cloistered luxury residence is an authentic haven of quietude giving the sensation of being constantly on vacation.”

Location: Westmount
Price: $1,724,625
Selling point: “Ultimate luxury! One of the three stupendous townhouses built in firestation no.2 (westmount), ‘la tour’ is superb.”

Location: Downtown
Price: $3.9-million
Selling point: “The magnificence of this high end two level apartment is impossible to describe in mere words.” [We would like to know how, then, the agent describes it to her potential buyers.

Location: Westmount
Price: $3.95-million
Selling point: “Time has not altered the charm of this gracious & vast residence, now on the market for the 1st time in twenty-eight years. Preserved through the years with a lot of love and care, with vast rooms & high ceilings, the visitor is right away immersed in sublime volumes. Authentic & classical.” ■