Farewell to the Twilight Saga

The closing chapter of the Twilight saga is just as fucking stupid and hilarious as the four films that preceded it. But, what an amusing journey it’s been, oh Twilight, my old chum.

I don’t remember how to begin a film review, so I’m going to go ahead and let you know that the closing chapter of the Twilight saga is just as fucking stupid and hilarious as the four films that preceded it. But, what an amusing journey it’s been, oh Twilight, my old chum.

You’ve grabbed the myth of the badass, sexy killer vampire by the balls, swallowing centuries of creepy, cape-wearing, long-fanged villains and shitting out the Cullens: a wealthy, pasty-faced suburban family who have dinner parties, shine like diamonds, satisfy their blood thirst by munching on forest rodents and recoil at sex before marriage.

You’ve turned a frumpy, personality-less female into a heroine and the object of many a buffed-up supernatural being’s affection, teaching legions of empty teenage vessels that it’s okay to be boring and mediocre, just as long as you move to Buttfuck, Nowhere, where chewing on your lips, looking at the floor and dressing like garbage is considered beautiful.

And finally, you’ve taught Hollywood that all you need to make a shitload of cash is the lowest standard in CGI special effects and demonstrating that your two protagonists love each other by making them hang out in a field of flowers all the time.

Just in case you have no idea what I’m talking about and actually care, let’s recap, I guess. Bella (Kirsten Stewart) and her shiny vampire lover Edward (Robert Pattinson) finally consummated their boring love in a really disturbing sex scene that left Stewart bruised and pregnant with a supposed demon baby that eventually killed her and forced Pattinson to turn her into a vamp.

And so, the film begins with red-eyed Stewart seeing flowers from really up close and moving really quickly. After eating a mountain lion, she decides to meet her weird, CGI baby Reneesmee. Supposedly, director Bill Condon opted for a CGI baby to make the child look like Mackenzie Foy, the young actress the faux-bébé grows into literally a day later, because “Twi-hards” everywhere would have otherwise been really confused.

Moving on, we soon find out that native puppy boy Jacob (Taylor Lautner) “imprinted” on the baby, meaning the CGI hologram is now his soulmate and he can’t leave her side. This obviously makes vampy Stewart very angry, especially when she finds out he’s been calling her baby “Nessie,” prompting Stewart to use her new vampire strength to kick the shit out of Lautner and yell out “YOU’VE NAMED MY BABY AFTER THE LOCH NESS!” But, of course, no one mentions that it may be creepy that he loves a baby and jokingly asks Pattinson if he can call him Dad. No, no one mentions that, because it’s Twilight and shit happens.

Aside from being able to jump on trees and break giant rocks with her bare hands, vampire Stewart can now also finally have sex with Pattinson without him tearing her apart with his dead diamond dick. In true Twilight fashion, the sex scene is just a huge tease, with Condon showing us closeups of their foreheads and feet. Thanks a lot, ya dick.

Anyway, sexy times don’t last long, because the Volturi (some kind of vampire leaders who wear velour capes, whatever, who cares), lead by Aro (Michael Sheen, needing a fat cheque), believe Stewart and Pattinson have created an immortal child, which is illegal in the vampire world and must be destroyed. In order to defend their precious, freaky daughter, the Cullens gather a ragtag bunch of vampires from around the world, and it all culminates in a cheap-looking battle scene that includes a lot of beheadings and CGI wolves whimpering.

This is neither good nor bad; it’s just colours, facial expressions and a lazy, overly emotional score thrown at you. Through it all, there are a few redeeming things here — okay, two redeeming things: Wendell Pierce (Bunk from The Wire) makes a strange, hilarious cameo as a sleazy lawyer and Dakota Fanning gets eaten by a giant wolf. There’s a lame twist that I won’t spoil, in case you’re insipid and a Twilight spoiler is the type of thing that ruins your day, but just don’t get too excited when everyone finally starts dying.

It all ends rosy and peachy, with Stewart and Pattinson lying in a field of flowers and a flashback showing how many times they looked at each other without saying anything at all, because this is the future of every “greatest love story ever told.” Words are meaningless, give this to your budding, hormonal daughter and hope for the best, we’re all going to die anyway. Twilight is dead, long live Twilight. ■


The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 is currently in theatres.

Roxane Hudon is currently based in Glasgow. Read her reports and insights on Ballz Montreal. @roxanesballz on Twitter.

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