Domming for dummies

Dear Sasha,

I’m not the most experienced woman, but recently I’ve had a few encounters that suggest I could be good at, and enjoy, being a dominatrix. I’m interested in pursuing this as work. How can I learn the tricks of the trade? Are there possibilities for apprenticeship? Anywhere I can go to learn about practicing as a dominatrix? I’m aware of the organization Stella, but not much beyond that.

—Duly Diligent

Dear Duly,
Good for you, girl. Get out there and make some goddamn money.

Visit boards like MERB, TERB, The Red Zone, Eros and Back Page and peruse the dominatrix ads, some of which will lead you to personal websites. Check out Patricia Marsh’s website to see how one of North America’s finest represents her business. Note the various services women offer, and look for services and presentation that speak to you. Send a polite, thoughtful email to these women and ask how much they charge for apprenticeship, if they do at all. Ask those who have dungeons if they would allow you to study their space and equipment in exchange for money or service. Don’t be insulted or surprised if many don’t get back to you at all — these are busy women juggling lots of different commitments. Be prepared to offer references so that they may confirm your identity.

Sex worker organizations like Stella and Maggie’s offer resource pages on their websites. Look out for any BDSM-related material.

Carlyle Jansen from Good For Her offered these reading selections from the store’s bookshelf (also widely available online):

“For how-to, SM 101 or Screw The Roses, Send Me the Thorns are comprehensive books to ensure emotional and physical safety. The Art of Sensual Female Dominance is a how-to book about what to do from a female dominant perspective. Either of these is essential as a reference book.

“The Ultimate Guide to Kink is also a great how-to book. It includes more info also on sexual techniques, like fisting and anal play with kink, as well as blending the spiritual with your kink.

The New Topping Book is also really good, includes more information on the psychological how-to rather than physical. The psychological is equally important.”

Here is another guide that I found edifying: How To Be Kinkier is a great book, really detailed with stunning photography. My copy has mysteriously disappeared from my apartment. Damn kinky cat sitters.

For a personal history and legal documentation, nothing beats Dominatrix on Trial by Terri-Jean Bedford.

Looking at professional dominatrix websites, you may get the impression that this is a costly adventure — and it certainly can be if you take it to its most consuming conclusion — but I was having a conversation just last week with a dominatrix about starting out, and she made the same point as Jansen: “Remember that the psychic space you create is just as powerful as the physical. I did elaborate BDSM in hotel rooms for over a decade dragging a heavy suitcase that should have been on wheels. I value the learning I got from working that way.”

Keep your eye out for fetish parties around town and attend them. There you will meet amateurs and professionals and have a chance to bend some ears and asses. You may also try practicing your craft, making sure that your quarry is aware of your status. Always, always, always, in BDSM environments, ask first.

VEGAN APPETITES

Dear Sasha,
I have begun dating the most lovely vegan gal. She is conscientious, caring and in terrific shape. I want to make sure that I respect her needs, but I will tell you, it can be exhausting. Who knew honey was the nectar of anguish? And never mind that, who also knew that there were animal products in condoms that aren’t even made of lambskin, and that many of them are tested on animals? I’m looking for options in this regard, as well as maybe some other products you can recommend that I can buy locally that won’t make me look like a careless knob when I pull them out in the bedroom.

—Rob

Dear Rob,
It is true that once you commit yourself to caring, you also commit yourself to a life of lofty grimaces. It would help if sex products had a very specific certification system for vegan consumption, but as Jack Lamon from Come As You Are says, “Barely anything is certified as anything in this industry, so I think basically almost nothing is ‘certified’ vegan. Yes! Lubricant is certified, and I believe Sir Richard’s condoms are as well. All of our lubes are vegan. Hathor and Sliquid have a lot of certified organic ingredients but are not certified organic themselves.”

Come As You Are carries lots of dildos, vibrators and harnesses that are vegan (as far as anyone knows, anyway) as well. Check out the site http://www.ecosex.ca, run by Amy and Kimberley Sedgwick from Red Tent Sisters, for more sexy vegan options. ■