Every day is heavy Montreal right here

As any scruffy human who regularly peeps this page knows, it’s the beginning of the Heavy Montreal fest, and this year is offering up a veritable shit-ton of heaviosity. Due to my extreme phobia of Porta Potties coupled with my extreme misanthropy, I will once again avoid the sun’s hurtful rays and give the festival a pass.

Admittedly, I’ll be missing some pretty ballast blasting bands, like punk Godfather Iggy Pop, mathematical metal merchants Meshuggah, black gaze poseurs Deafheaven, the grind of Cattle Decapitation and Pig Destroyer, suave rockers Rocket From the Crypt, Immortal’s Abbath, Gorguts and one of the heaviest bands ever – Neurosis! For a more in-depth look at Cult MTL’s Heavy Montreal picks, go here.

Friday: If you need to nurse your aching ears and peeling sunburn, I’ll be celebrating my Heavy Montreal weekend by playing old-school hip hop in the swell digs and air conditioned environs of Turbo Haus, located in the bustling burg of St-Henri. 5011 Notre-Dame W., 9 p.m.

Down at Casa, you can catch the Death Disco night with Taylor Hoodlum Stevenson, a ritual performance from Marie Jane, Besatzung, Ginger Breaker and the debut of synth-pop band Dernier Sex. 4873 St-Laurent, p.m., $

TRH Bar is the place to be for the lysergically tinged psych of A Devil’s Din with Mooch and the Scarecrows. 3699 St-Laurent, 8 p.m., $10

If you have yet to grow weary of fart jokes you can catch the Moxy Fruvous of punk — NOFX — when they begin the 25-year celebration of Fat Wreck Chords with other past-their-shelf-life punk of Swingin’ Utters and Masked Intruder. Metropolis (59 Ste-Catherine E.), 10:30 p.m., $37-$52

Saturday: Most of you celebrating the quarter century of tepid punk as featured on Fat Wreck will also want to line up in front of the Metropolis for Lagwagon, Strung Out, the Flatliners and Toy Guitar. May G.G. grant mercy on your soul. 59 Ste-Catherine E., 10:30 p.m., $37-$52

For some great math punk you can check out the hard touring combo Life in Vacuum with fellow abacus enthusiasts Monobody, Joliette, Bird Death, Culte and Nousetions at Turbohaus, Hope the Haus is stocked to the rafters ‘cause these math rockers are going to drink them dry. 5011 Notre-Dame W., 8 p.m., $11

Rockabilly hounds should report to Sala to catch Jive Around the Clock, with music provided by Eric Sandmark and His Rumblers with DJ Rooster Boogie. If you were born with two left feet and you wanna cut a rug, show up early (8:30 p.m.) for free dance lessons. 4848 St-Laurent, 9 p.m., $15

For a night of experimental fuckery, you can catch Jean-Sébastien Truchy with Black Givre, Charles Barabe and Big Mama Tough Love at Casa. 4873 St-Laurent, 9 p.m.

Sunday: Heavy Montreal’s official closing party happens at Katacombes, featuring the dizzying tech metal of Ion Dissonance. Best of all, it’s absolutely free! 1635 St-Laurent, 11 p.m., free

Wednesday: Locals Homeshake and Sheer Agony are picking up stakes and touring North America for the next months and want to bid adieu before they start looking for Walmart parking lots to sleep in at la Vitrola. Opening is Paula. 4602 St-Laurent, 9:30 p.m., $8

 

Current Obsession: Gorguts, Colored Sands

jonathan.cummins@gmail.com