RANT LINE: New Christmas music is desperately needed

“There should be a law — yes I am talking to you, 92.9 — that radio stations that start hyping Christmas music in November have to play at least one new song every hour.”

M Hey, calling to say I’ve been following all this VACCINE news and it seems to me that all I’ve heard so far is that some need to be held at SUB-ARCTIC temperatures, which I’m sure will work really well in Asia and Africa, and the rest seem to have been rushed through without the usual safety protocols. All pretty scary in my opinion. The one thing I do know for sure is that BIG PHARMA will find a way to screw us all through this process while making billions of dollars off the whole thing. [BLEEP!]

M Yes! Canada just announced their plan to eliminate GREENHOUSE GAS emissions by 2050! I find this so inspiring I swear to God I’m going to quit smoking on my 50th birthday! [BLEEP!]

M Hello, I just wanted to publicly pat myself on the back. The news was once again predicting a SIGNIFICANT SNOWFALL and all the media was talking about 15 to 20 centimetres of snow, and I said it will be two centimetres to be followed by some rain. And guess who was right? And you wonder why people don’t believe in CLIMATE CHANGE. [BLEEP]

F Hello, I just wanted to comment on something I find, I don’t know, very strange. I just saw a video of people, it looked like dozens of people, in the middle of a pandemic, lining up for SHOES in front of a store downtown for the Black Friday sale. I say they were people, but it wasn’t all people, it was all men, I didn’t see any women. Actually I guess it would be more accurate to call them all BOYS. Hello boys, can I tell you something you need to hear? You don’t need a pair of new Adidas or Air Max or whatever it is that you’re re craving so bad that you need to line up in the middle of the night in the middle of a pandemic! My God! It used to be men making fun of women for their shoes! Boys, go home to your mothers and get some hot soup. [BLEEP!]

M FREE KYLE. [BLEEP!]

M You know, looking at the shit going down in the U.S., the CULT OF CRAZIES, I don’t think there is any hope. Well maybe one — a brutal TUTSI-HUTU style civil war. I am sorry to say that. [BLEEP!]

M Hi Rant Line™, just a heads up PSA. If you want to see something sad but funny, and TRUE, check out BYE BYE PIG DICK on Michael Rapaport’s Instagram. Now that’s truth to power. [BLEEP!]

M All I wanted to say, really, is fuck all those dried-up fucking old-purse cunts that are so fucking arrogant when you ask them if you can purchase a CIGARETTE. Help a brother out, you know? Don’t be a snotty bitch about it, saying, “Oh it’s my last one,” when you clearly have a full pack. Like this is just fucking ridiculous. And how can Trudeau and Legault fucking dare to STEAL Christmas? How fucking dare they?! Like it’s not enough to drive us to the point of insanity with all the fucking lockdown shit, they want to steal Christmas, too? Yeah things are not going to look so good for them in the long run, I can tell you that much. [BLEEP!]

F Okay, listen please, would somebody please write some new Christmas music that actually gets played on the radio and becomes popular? It’s bad enough that the Christmas music starts playing in November, right after Halloween, but it is always the same old songs. Even the newer ones, I mean the so-called newer ones, are from like 25 years ago! There should be a law — yes I am talking to you, 92.9 — that if you are a radio station and you are going to start hyping Christmas music in November, you have to play at least one new song every hour. Because there are new songs being written and made, they are just not being played! It’s almost like they have to incubate for 25 or 50 years before they get played. Anyway, I’m sick of it, I need to go somewhere where this doesn’t happen. It can’t be like this all over the world — can it? [BLEEP!]

M Hello, cyclist here. Just wanted to give a shout-out to the city for standing up to the weirdos and BULLIES and morons who endlessly complained about the REV on St-Denis and the streets around it, and going ahead and building it and turning it into what is becoming a fantastic cycling system. Getting right up there with Amsterdam. It’s fast, it’s smooth, it is a very nice ride. The fools sitting in their cars — now in one lane traffic, going even slower than ever — I guess most of them will never use it. But that is their loss, and our gain. Great job Montreal. Something to be very proud of.  [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I just wanted to say that I just came back from walking on St-Denis street where the new bike path is and, guess what, there are PEDESTRIAN crosswalks everywhere! So I decided to cross the street and, guess what, a car actually stopped to let me cross the street! So, guess what, I went across to the other side and BOUGHT something at Zone! You know, the same Zone that was going to sue the city because of the bike path. Merry Christmas Zone! Merry Christmas everybody! [BLEEP!]

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This feature was originally published in the December issue of Cult MTL.

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See previous editions of the Rant Line™ here.