how to get drunk with a mask on

RANT LINE: How do you get drunk in bars with a mask on?

PLUS sketchy cops, Ontario vs. Quebec cannabis, Bob Dylan. & more!

Man appeals for advice about how to get drunk in bars with a mask on.

M Hey everyone, I just wanted to say how pleased I was to see the SUPERHOT Valérie Plante rated as Best and HOTTEST Politician in Montreal! Lionel Perez sure ain’t got nothin’ on her! [BLEEP!]

F Hey did I miss something? All of a sudden it’s la St. Jean and people are MINGLING on terrasses with no masks, high-fiving on the softball field and picnicking in groups of about 30 in all the parks. Hope this doesn’t turn out like Florida or Texas. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. I just saw that casinos, amusement parks, water parks, spas, hotels and BARS are now all open. Effective immediately, it says. Okay, that’s really getting back to normal, I guess, is the idea. Even though testing is going down, we need to get back to normal. Now, personally, I don’t go to the CASINO — that place scares me — and I am too old for a water park or la Ronde. I don’t need a hotel. And I couldn’t afford to go to a SPA if I wanted to. But I have been known to go to bars. You know, quite a lot. But I am not sure, maybe it is the shock, maybe I will get over it — but I am in no rush. I see the HEALTH GUY, Arruda, says — here, I’ll read it — “I think it’s the right time to deconfine actually but please, please, please, please, please wash your hands and wear your MASK.” Okay sure. Will do, boss. But tell me please please — please please please — how do you wear a mask in bars? Is that even FEASIBLE? Do you keep taking the mask on and off every time you take a drink in bars? Do you slip the bottle under the mask? Pull the mask down and take a hit from the glass? Can you put a straw under the mask? Through the mask — like, poke a hole in the mask? I am not kidding — is there a way to do it that would, you know, pass health standards? I am trying to picture it. Or is it just accepted that in bars no one will be wearing a fucking mask and the government has decided it is worth the RISK because, you know, bars need the business and people want to go to bars? [BLEEP!]

F Hey Montrealers! What’s up with you people not wearing a mask while SHOPPING? Is it because you can’t afford one? Because you don’t believe it helps? For God’s sake, get with the program and wear a frigging mask! [BLEEP!]

M So ridiculous to read about Novak Djokovic’s recent COVID-19 ANTICS. Serves him fucking well. First he says he will not get vaccinated against COVID-19, because he doesn’t believe in vaccines. So automatically that is crazy. Next he hosts a big event with no social distancing, no masks. There were tons of fans in the stands, they even had a big party at a bar. They had their SHIRTS OFF, dancing in the bar. And then of course he gets COVID-19 and so does his wife and tons of other people. It’s so stupid that you almost think he did it on purpose. Like he didn’t want to get a vaccine, which the tennis circuit will require — never mind that there is no vaccine — so instead he gave himself the disease. Sort of like having a MEASLES PARTY or a CHICKEN POX PARTY. But I guess that is just my own conspiracy theory. Probably the real reason is the obvious one: he is a SELFISH EGOMANIAC, right? Oh and a reminder to all: our big local ANTI-VAXXERS are the Habs number one goaltender and his wife — but I won’t name names. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, so this is my first time calling but I am so pissed off with the Avenue Mont-Royal closure that I just need to rant. The first few days were car-free heaven but now they’ve installed WALK BIKE signs all along the street and have SPVM cops and cadets patrolling and aggressively approaching anyone on a bike! Listen, this is my commercial street and I use my bike to shop on this street. This is not a three-day street fair, it’s a multi-month closure of an important neighbourhood avenue for shopping and services. If they expect me to walk 14 blocks from butcher to baker with my fully loaded bags then I’m going to take my bike and my money to some other street where I can continue to shop and live like I always do.[BLEEP!]

M Oh for God’s sake, no bikes on Mont-Royal OR Wellington? What the fuck? This reminds me of when some Ville de Montréal idiot decided you couldn’t ride a bike in the public parks a couple of years ago. That lasted for about a week. Hope they fix this pronto. [BLEEP!]

M So I just found out they’re not going to allow bikes on the closed Mont-Royal street. Are you fucking kidding me? Not even a bike lane? Whose fucking BAD IDEA was that? [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. So listen, I finally followed one of these fucking SPVM POLICE CRUISERS who was speeding down the residential street with lights and siren at about 100 clicks and there he was with three other cop cars and four cops on bikes arresting a fucking DRUNKEN HOMELESS DUDE! They all looked so pleased and amused with their arrest. Couldn’t imagine what the guy had done. Shoplifting? Public urination? Time to defund and disband this out-of-control gang of HOOLIGANS. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy who said the Ontario WEED WEBSITE has rosins, kiefs, bubble hash and shatter, and the SQDC does not: good point. We could all use more product. But then I think to BACK IN THE DAY, when friends of mine were nailed for having a few bricks of hash — simple hash — in their trunk or at their apartment. They went to JAIL. Boy how times have changed. And also, can they get that time back? [BLEEP!]

F Okay, so I just listened to the full 16 minutes of “Murder Most Foul” by BOB DYLAN. I’m not usually much of a fan of these OLD FOLK SINGERS but this one blew me away. Talk about the perfect song for these sad TRUMP AMERICA times! I suggest you all have a listen.[BLEEP!]


See previous editions of the Rant Line™ here.

Man appeals for advice about how to get drunk in bars with a mask on.