Tim Hortons introduces employee benefits package with delicious hole in the middle

Ontario’s new minimum wage = good times for cogs in the corporate donut machine

Coburg, ON– Canadian coffee giant Tim Hortons is ringing in the new year with a wide range of brand new products including the Artisan-Style Bacon Grilled Cheese, Steak Breakfast on a Biscuit and a fresh employee benefit contract with a big, fun hole in the middle.

Ron Joyce, Jr. and Jeri Horton-Joyce, the respective son and daughter of Tim Horton’s co-founders Ron Joyce and Tim Horton, are keeping the franchise modern by saying hello to crisp flavours, retro favourites and a new recipe for their break policy, now with a tantalizingly hollow centre.

“Obviously the entire Tim Hortons brand is based on how much everyone loves holes,” said Horton-Joyce, smiling warmly. “How much do people love holes? Let’s just say I’ve got a “hole” lot of high quality fleece garments in my closet,” she continued with a wink. “Anyway, we like to treat our employees as if they’re regular people, even though they aren’t,” she went on. “So we thought to ourselves, ‘Why not give these janky bagel maidens the opportunity to enjoy holes, too?’ ”

Joyce, Jr., who had been nodding mechanically at regular 20-second intervals throughout his wife’s monologue, stepped in to give his perspective.

“We like to keep things fun for the staff,” explained Joyce, Jr., still nodding. “After the cowboy hats and neckerchiefs last summer we kinda ran out of ideas. Now we’re basically trying to alleviate them of not-fun things, like going to the dentist, which is why our new dental plan contains 75% more delicious holes,” he said. “We also took it upon ourselves to roll out TimeBits, which is what we call the tiny balls of unpaid vacation our employees will now enjoy during the day. Always Fresh™!”

Horton-Joyce added that while the franchise now views free coffee as archaic, there would be several add-ons offered with employees’ new fun-shaped work perks.

“In addition to offering a benefits package you could truly put your fist through, we’re giving Tim Hortons staff the exclusive opportunity to purchase their own uniforms for only $100 as part of our DIY Individual Team-Building Menu,” she said. “Will there be holes in those? Swing by the drive-thru to find out!”

At press time, Joyce, Jr. and Horton-Joyce were anticipating a healthy boost in revenue thanks to the new menu items. ■