The festive season is upon us once again, and whether it’s spending quality time with loved ones, frolicking in the snow or eating until you can no longer feel feelings, we all have something special to look forward to! For parents, it’s a time for creating magical moments with our children, and there’s no better way to create those treasured memories and to realize your day of reckoning has come, David — than with your mischievous, loveable Elf on the Shelf!
It can be hard to come up with fresh pranks for your elf to pull for the entire month of December, but don’t worry, we’ve got you covered! Whether it’s wasting perfectly good food, actively destroying your own possessions or spending hour after humiliating hour crafting a tiny diorama with your adult hands in the dead of the night, these zany hijinks will have your kids laughing, and you regretting the time you pantsed Donald in the second grade, Marie.
Being a cool parent takes a lot of time and energy, especially during the holidays. Never fear! The elf — and Jesus’s judgmental gaze — is here! All that’s required for your artsy antics is some markers, or perhaps a couple of leftover cans of spray-paint from the time you vandalized Old Man Jenkins’ flower shop, Scott. Beyond that, all you need is imagination! You can draw pictures and create your own designs on the wall, and if Jesus happens to take control of your hands and force you to write “I will not embezzle“ over and over, well, that’s just a Christmas miracle! The young’uns will be so blown away, it won’t bother you at all that contrary to what the label said, none of it will come off the walls and you’ll spend the rest of your days trying to wash your home — and your filthy conscience — clean, Douglas.
There’s nothing more exciting than a party, especially if all the guests are inanimate objects you’ve painstakingly arranged into fun positions at four o’clock in the morning. It only adds to the thrill knowing your insomniac child could burst into the room any minute and discover Mommy’s been telling lies — lots of lies, right, Jane? You’ll need to gather several other toys to be guests at your elf’s shindig: stuffed animals, figurines — perhaps a Ken doll you met on Tinder, eh, Janet? You can pose them in any configuration you’d like, whether it be dancing, playing Twister or blowing their entire life savings on one stupid poker game and saying you got robbed, Carl. The children will love it no matter what, and as they write a letter to their elf asking him to throw them a real party, little Cayden and Sara will be too delighted to notice the colour drain from your exhausted face as you realize you should have left that watch in the store, Mariam.
This is an easy, fun DYI that requires simple household items, a quick trip to the dollar store and the cold realization that the Lord was definitely watching when you cheated on that economics test in first year, Todd. To create this charming scene, simply place your elf in a doll’s bathtub or bowl and fill it to the brim with glitter. Make sure to spill it all over the surrounding area — elves are rascals, after all! Once you’ve finished, simply wait to see your offspring’s eyes light up as they get too excited, flail their tiny, uncoordinated arms and spill microscopic flecks all over the goddamn bathroom. May the magic of Christmas- and the memory of telling your mother to go fuck herself before the big dance — stay with you as you spend the next several months removing glitter from your floor, furniture, hands, scalp, pets and clothing, Shannon.
Small food has been a big hit on the internet lately thanks to Tiny Hamsters Eating Tiny Burritos, and these adorable mini-burgers are the perfect way to wow your kids, flex your culinary skills and repent for all those times you ignored the homeless man outside your office, Charles! For this tasty tableau you’ll need all the ingredients for regular burgers divided into impossibly minuscule portions, as well as the two hours of the day you had set aside for actual meal prep. As you burn those sausage fingers of yours on dime-sized chunks of ground beef whilst your spouse hacks a dill pickle to shreds, imagine the joy on the kids’ faces when they discover the elf — no, not you, Gisele; recognition is for people who pay their taxes — has been up all night skillfully crafting the cutest snack in the world! Sure, you’ll have to turn around and throw it in the garbage, but you did the same thing to Andrew’s friendship when you hit puberty, didn’t you, Xavier?
Setting your bedding on fire
You know what you did, Matthew.
Happy Holidays! ■