Boo meaning boo

It’s depressing when Halloween falls smack in the middle of the week. Like a sagging, frost-bitten doorstep jack o’lantern on Nov. 4, the parade of costumed role-confusion loses its lustre when the preceding weekend’s drunken novelty bleeds into three routine weekdays’ worth of werewolf-masked metro booth guys. Who hasn’t had green and pink wig hairs stuck to their boot while a co-worker minces around in an outfit that on any other day would be considered a hate crime (and I mean without paying for it)?

And there is always that one lame-o who uses the excuse to show up in a dirty cap, an old jersey, jeans and a plastic dollar-sign piece, dressed as “a hip hop.”

So if that’s you, or someone you know, this week I thought I’d give you a few pointers on how to fully pull it off.

1. Invent a signature drink: Whatever you happen to have lying around the liquor and medicine cabinets, respectively, are a trill start. Toss in some food dye and a handful of hard candy, and treat your peers to a seasonal drank like Orange Trig’r’Tray: julep, orange Starburst, Sunny D, Grand Marnier, Vitamin C and expired Aleve.

2. Start posting: Snippets, previews, still shots, behind-the-scenes lab shit, general observations about how good you’re gonna be — let the people know! I shouldn’t need to tell you how to use social media but there’s no reason why your web presence shouldn’t resonate as loudly as that Spidey costume next to you.

3. Gather an entourage: Surely you know as many people like yourself without an original idea in the world. It shouldn’t be too tough to dress ’em down to prop yourself up.

4. Play ’em whatcha got: Be sure to pipe the latest hot rap music through the built-in speaker on your iWhatever. Weezy and the kid from Degrassi lend themselves to the shrill, tinny sound that’s sure to please everyone around you, all day.

5. Swag: If you aren’t sure what it is, at least be sure to say it every 30 seconds. Check out whatever else is trending on Urban Dictionary to keep extra-current. Also, regularly refer to yourself as being “based” to tie it all together.

There! You’re all set to be a good “hip hop” or “rapper person” this year! I have no idea about next year. Probably not much will change except the slang.

Check out some of these haunts over the coming week:

Wednesday – El Cotola and Paranoize combine Latin flare and French panache to unite as Agua Negra, launching a debut LP tonight accompanied by a live band and a hot list of dope guests at O Patro Vys, free.

Thursday – Chuggo and Tiburon pop a quarter in your ass at Jukebox (3874 St-Laurent), also free.

Friday – Mook Life brings you a Super Spooky Halloween Party at A’Shop. Tommy Kruise drops his Memphis Confidential Vol. 1 EP, with DJs Vincent Pryce, Sagewondah and Pro-V and the promise of “visual stunts by the drunken elite from the Mook Life squadron.” Sc-sc-sc-Scooby?

Meanwhile, up at CFC, Loud Lary Ajust go gullywood on everyone, with “Kaytranada” (aka Kaytradamus).

Saturday – There are a million Halloween parties. Simahlak and Sagewondah will only be at one, though, and it’s called Rap-Oween, at En Cachette, with host Kenza. Don’t use my costume guide for this one, SVP.

Monday & Wednesday – It’s no longer the weekend. But it’s the Weeknd at Metropolis, pulling a double stint with a sure-to-sell-out second show Halloween night. ■

Zoinks! shinecultmtl@gmail.com