Crown prosecutor on coke, fake panhandlers, bad SQDC pot and more

The best calls to the Rant Line this month.

M So all anybody basically does in Montreal is SMOKE WEED. It’s everywhere. Since it became legal, life begins and ends with weed — it STINKS everywhere of weed. I don’t mind. I’m not saying… How can I put this? I used to smoke weed, I sometimes smoked weed in my life in the ’90s. But when I smoked weed, weed smelled like weed. Now it smells like ARMPITS and WEIRD UNDERWEAR and BALLS. It’s fucking everywhere! Everywhere I go there are people smoking weed — on bikes, on balconies. The landlords had to make a law that you can’t smoke weed because people smoke so much fucking weed that everywhere just stinks of weed! It’s fucking, like, get a life, do something else besides smoke weed! Thank you, that’s all. [BLEEP!]

M What’s up Rant Line™? This is just a quick POT SMOKING rant. I’ve been looking through the newspapers again and today they’ve been talking about how they made a BIG CRACKDOWN on illegal pot. And in the same article they were talking about how the SQDC pot is legal but the BLACK MARKET pot is not. Do you want me to let you in on a little secret, Rant Line™? Do you know what makes pot legal or illegal? [pause] Time’s up: the government has a fucking magic wand that deems this pot is legal but everything else is not legal and you can be fined and jailed because you don’t want to give your money to the pockets of the government, which distributes shitty quality marijuana! I’ve bought both the SQDC’s and my local dealer’s pot and compared the two. I have a great deal with my dealer and his pot is better quality — there’s more, it’s less dry and I’m pretty sure the dosage is accurate compared to what is labeled on the government box. I’m almost willing to bet that a couple of years down the line there will be a huge scandal about the SQDC with the quantities not matching what was on the wrapping. So yeah, this is how they do it. If you don’t give us your money we’ll jail you, even though it’s just weed either way. All of that just to say, fuck the government. Buy local, buy often. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Ferrandez is gone. The KING is dead, long live the king. All hail to the King! Well, he improved my life in the Plateau, anyway. [BLEEP!]

M I know that you don’t like to publish things that have to do with controversies involving personal legal affairs, and I don’t blame you — you don’t want to be sucked into the VORTEX of another’s DRAMA. But I would like to let you know, as a citizen of this country, that on one New Year’s Eve, I was invited to a small party in St-Something-or-Other in Quebec — my girlfriend invited me and I went there — and during the course of the evening, there was an invitation to go downstairs to this BASEMENT. And there on the pool table was displayed a large amount of COCAINE. And I was offered to partake, by a woman, and I said, well, it doesn’t suit me, I’m not a COKEHEAD. But I said wow, that’s a lot of money there, what do you do for a living? She says to me, “I’m a CROWN PROSECUTOR.” And I said, “Oh, okay.” That left a deep mark on my mind. What do I do with this information? Try to communicate it to those who are young and editorial-positioned? It’s an education of the streets, I would say, about the corruption within the system. “Yes, I am a Crown Prosecutor.” Good coke. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hi Rant Line™, first time caller, longtime reader. Here’s what I want to tell you about the new STM fleet of buses. Okay great, so I am able to charge my phone on the bus now, that’s fantastic — I can ignore even more people than I did before. But the windows, they do not fucking OPEN. None of them, none of them. This morning, it’s 12 degrees outside, it’s pretty cold — it’s 30 degrees on the bus as of 8 a.m. The 161 Van Horne bus, filled with people. It’s fucking hot, SWEATY and disgusting. Like they say they have air conditioning, but they’re not going to turn the air conditioning on when it’s only 12 degrees out. It’s hot! You gotta be able to open those windows! I need that circulation! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, panhandlers are fucking shit, I know what you’re talking about. There’s some dumb BROAD I’ve seen a couple of times, she’s probably 16 or 18, 20 years old max. She goes on the orange line and just holds a sign that says she needs money for whatever. The thing is, she doesn’t even look homeless, she just looks like a student, like some stupid broad who wants to have handout money because DADDY won’t give her. I mean, why would you carry your fucking purse around when you’re panhandling? It’s just little details like that that make me go, “Hmm. ” Also, most of the panhandlers I see, they’re just LURKING downtown, all throughout the summer. They spend their whole fucking day at the corner, just panhandling money so they can get 1.14 litres of strong alcohol, 10.1 per cent or some shit. I would go to work, near Square Victoria, I would go past one hobo — panhandling already, while I’m walking to work — as I’m leaving, he was still there panhandling, with a bottle of beer right next to him. Being a homeless guy myself — well, ex-homeless guy — I managed to pull myself up by my bootstraps, actually get back to work, do regular shit, be an average contributing citizen. So these fuckheads don’t deserve any of my pity, respect or time. Fuck ’em. [BLEEP!]

M Do you know how many times I hear SORRY every day? Sorry. I know it means, “Excuse me,” but, “Sorry, I can’t hear you.” Oh I’m so sorry, I can’t help you, sorry about that. I’m sorry about the world’s condition. I’m sorry about the human condition, I’m so sorry. Oh I’m sorry, did I bother you? I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so fucking sorry. Goddamn I’m so sorry for saying sorry so many fucking times. But anyways, sorry about that. Sorry I didn’t hear you. Oh, your silence screams louder than any power tool or train. So I guess you’re just going to have to use little sorries. Okay, sorry. Sorry sorry sorry. Bye. [BLEEP!]