Live music heals broken hearts

Hmm, I wonder why this ice cream tastes so salty? Oh yeah that’s right, I’ve been crying into the tub. It must be Valentines Day. Yep, it’s the loneliest night of the year, but it sure as shit beats trying to get dinner reservations, buying goofy Hallmark cards (a sign that you probably need a marriage councillor) and heart-shaped boxes holding all kinds of different shit. Uh-huh, I’m getting less lonely by the minute, but if you’re stuck in a dead relationship muddled by emotional atrophy there are a bunch of gigs (at bars that also serve booze) to help you forget the corner you’ve painted yourself in. YAY!!! Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

Thursday: If you want to really get your romance on, start yer smooch engines at Turbo Haüs for the Sick Things and Dangereens jammer. Along with stud muffin Sergio, who will just be hanging out being all romantic and shit, DJ Speechless will be playing songs from the heart. 2040 St-Denis, 8 p.m., $10

If you’re in a relationship that needs to be laughing to keep from crying, you’ll want to drag yer significant other to Casa for the comedy of Dave Hill and the yucks of Nick Flanagan (ex-Brutal Knight) with the romance rock ’n’ roll of Birds of Paradise, Everado Ramirez and the croon and twang of Maica Armata. 4873 St-Laurent, 9:30 p.m., $10

Valentine’s Day is definitely packed with quality gigs this year, but my big V-Day pick is the somewhat secret show starring one of the best guitarists and most talented musicians in the city: Jordan Officer, playing at his old hangs, Barfly. This is guaranteed to be slammin’, and what says “I love you desperately” more than spending the most romantic night of the year at Barfly? 4062A St-Laurent, 9 p.m., price unlisted

Friday: Now that we’ll have made it through Valentine’s Day, my first recommendation is to hit up every Jean Coutu for half-price chocolate boxes. My second recommendation is going to the Analogue Addiction gigger at l’Esco with Georgians Superbody, Kristian North and the second greatest named band in the city, Night Lunch. (The best band name is Night Loaf — don’t take it, it’s mine.) 4461 St-Denis, 9 p.m., $10

Do you like peanut butter AND chocolate? Well check out a Reese’s peanut butter cup — it will blow yer puny mind into smithereens. If you like punk rock and doom, youll want to drag your carcass to Katacombes to check out Pussy Stench, Pink Cocoon, Bad Skin and Ritual Master.  Is this the musical version of speedballs? 1635 St-Laurent, 9 p.m., $10/$15

The easy pick for gig of the week is genius stoner dude Kurt Vile and his Violators at MTelus. Sure ‘nuff you should be doing cartwheels over the headliner but opening up the night is Canada’s greatest bar band and Montreal faves the Sadies. How fuggin’ good is this going to be? Seriously! 59 Ste-Catherine E., 8 p.m., $38.75

Saturday: It’s a little slim on the metal front this week, but if you’re looking for some unrelenting riffs and bludgeoning pounding, you’ll want to be at Turbo Haüs for Cognitive, Monotheist (which is a Celtic Frost grab, so, uh, that’s cool), the Machinist and Musket Hawk. 2040 St-Denis, 7 p.m., $13/$15

Get yer homegrown punk fuggin’ rawk at Katacombes with old-schoolers the Ripcordz, la Gachette, the Lab Ratz and the Hacked. 1635 St-Laurent, 9 p.m., $10/$12

For some rock ’n’ roll that isn’t afraid of a good ol’ scissor kick (something I personally think is dangerously lacking among the Coachella-type bands currently stomping the pines), check out riff-tastic band the Lookout — coming out of hiding for the first time since their singer Martha Rockhard became a momma — with the heavy sludge of Colonel Sun and Like Swamps at the always rad Barfly. 4062A St-Laurent, 9:30 p.m., free

I know I already gave Kurt Vile the Hammer bump, but a definite close second would be the gothfather Peter Murphy, teaming up with his old bandmate David J as they celebrate their 40th year of providing the soundtrack to gloomy nerds everywhere as Bauhaus. They will perform their finest recorded moment, In a Flat Field, in its entirety before encoring with Bauhaus classics. Yeppers, MTelus will turn into the bat cave with openers…..ah who the fug am I kidding, absolutely nobody cares who the openers are. 59 Ste-Catherine E., 8 p.m., $
40/$47

Sunday: For some seething and sludgy hardcore, you should be at Turbo Haüs on the Sabbath to catch Texans Portrayal of Guilt and Deathnap. The people who go to this will be the ones who scooped all of the chocolate out of Jean Coutu. Lonely but frugal. 2040 St-Denis, 7:30 p.m., $10/$13

Tuesday: One of the longest-running weekly gig series in town is Deadly Mardi DIY, and this week they’ve got Meteore and Faux Fuyant. I’ve been lame not mentioning Deadly Mardi shows lately but organizer Joey Napoleon just threw a bunch of Klaus Nomi and Gary Numan vinyl in my lap, so here it is. The take away here is that if you gift me with early new wave records I will pimp your garage/bake sale, Bar mitzvah or whatevs. Hit me up, fucko! La Rockette (4479 St-Denis), 9 p.m., $5/PWYC

Current Obsession: Red Sovine, Teddy Bear

jonathan.cummins@gmail.com