An alt-right group committed to preserving Canada’s white culture has successfully conveyed their anti-immigration stance with sick hoodies and whimsical, loopy handwriting.
After weeks of preparation, a collection of ultranationalists known as the Thunderfuck Gladiators made their way to the Canada-U.S. border last week to protest what they describe as illegal immigration the best way they know how: with curly capital letters and bubble dots over their “i”s.
The group’s leader, Tom, attempted to explain his position with words.
“I want to be clear we have nothing against legal immigration,” said Tom, 42, choosing not to remove the ultra-reflective Oakleys he purchased during his senior year of high school. “But my great-uncle fought in the army and we need to protect homeless children from the Islamic State,” he explained, nodding sagely as he proudly raised a sign with “ISIS Can’t Even” written in a mix between cursive and block letters.
Fellow Thunderfuck Gladiator Dale, wielding a white bristol board spelling out “CANADA RULES SO FOLLOW CANADA’S RULES” in neon scented marker, shares Tom’s concerns.
“We just don’t want these people coming in here unchecked, imposing their views on us,” said Dale, smoothing down his soul patch. “I saw a squirrel run right across the border in front of a bunch of cops and they didn’t even flinch,” continued Dale, who believes if you repeat “Sharia Law” three times, an immigrant will appear and send your great-grandparents back to Ireland. “Who’s next? Omarosa Bin Laden?”
Tom and Dale say the group’s purpose isn’t to intimidate asylum seekers, rather to ensure nobody is slipping through the cracks.
“The mainstream media isn’t giving us the full story,” said Tom, pulling a crumpled piece of looseleaf from his hoodie pocket. “I don’t want to say the RCMP aren’t doing their job, but I think this speaks for itself,” he continued, unfolding the paper to reveal a crude drawing of a Mountie saying “duhhh” as hundreds of stick figures run across the border yelling “yay murder” in bubble letters. “We’re just here to let them know we mean business,” added Dale, hoisting up his Ed Hardy jeans. “Being Canadian is no joke.”
Tom insists the group has no hard feelings for those trying to enter Canada at illegal crossings. “We don’t have anything against these people,” said Tom, pulling a cigarette from behind his ear. “It’s just that there’s a decent possibility every single one of them is a criminal,” he went on, lighting it with a Playboy Zippo.
“We just want to make sure, by standing here looking badass as fuck, newcomers to Canada understand they have to follow the rules. And the rules are, there ain’t no rules. For us. They’ll have to follow quite a few rules.” ■