The top 9 Montreal shows this week, and the best one is in freakin' Laval

Hi kids! Nice to have you back to this humble li’l column and I must say I am just chuffed to be cramming this week’s gigs down yer throats, like a mother bird feeding her young.

Much like almost every recent column, I will start things off with the gigs that were scheduled for this week but are either not happening or sold out. If you were hoping to get some yucks in and watch men in tights pretend they are Rats on Saturday night you will be bummed to find out that the Steel Panther gig at Corona is sold out. I mean c’mon, the arena sized rock squeezed into the Corona? Of course it’s sold out. If you were hoping to get into OFF with the crushing power of Zulu at Café Campus (!!), the band has unfortunately canceled their tour but promise to have makeup dates announced really soon. The OFF record Free LSD is a shoo-in to make the year-end lists and the Zulu jammer of power violence finesse is simply crushing. Give ‘em both a click right now. Finally if you were stoked on the Young Guv gigger at Casa on Saturday, that one is cancelled, too.

But don’t fret, sunshine, there are a plethora of Montreal shows that require your immediate attention like this following killer gigger that is ticking like a time bomb.

Friday: Baboom! Right out of the gate is the easy pick for the gig of the week, Mercyful Fate, who will haunt the Place Bell tucked away in the evil bowels of deep and dark Laval. People in the blogosphere are falling over themselves with hyperbole about this tour so don’t miss this chance to catch this legendary, King Diamond-fronted metal band — this could very well be your last chance. Still not convinced? Taking up the middle slot are German thrash legends Kreator, who have been crushing on the tour so far, and pushing you to get to Laval while the sun is still up (blech) are openers Midnight, who fucking rule!! (duh) Absolutely a killer gig for anybody who at least harbours a passing fancy for supreme riffage served up just like momma used to bake ‘em. 1950 Claude-Gagné, 6 p.m., $69

If you don’t want to travel to the giant strip mall known as Laval for some great riffs, you can just walk on down to Foufs to catch Death Before Dishonor with Northwalk, Scarfold and Shut Away. 87 Ste-Catherine E., 7 p.m., $23.54

Better yet, those of you who want their riffs a bit more molten and oozing will want to check out a rare appearance of doom fuckery from the mighty Show of Bedlam. In the sweat slot is They Grieve and Vaste, who are on their way down to the Doom fest in Sherbrooke on Saturday. Bring earplugs or be forever deafened. This is happening at Da Turb, natch. 2040 St-Denis, 7:30 p.m., $12/$17

Saturday: Okay, “psych” has clearly become the new “angular” — in that it’s a tag that I end up tapping out on a weekly basis — but when psych bands were few and far between in the ’80s and ’90s, it was Spaceman 3 and the lumbering jams of the Legendary Pink Dots that bravely took the torch from Roky’s shaking fist. If you want to see true masters of jamming while picking at the onion skin of your brain, head down to le Ritz, but be sure to arrive in time to catch openers Orbit Service. You’ll be glad you did. 179 Jean-Talon W., 6:30 p.m., $26.87

I would’ve made the following the gig of the week but figured I would be diplomatic and give it to King Diamond, but if you dig rare ’60s soul, deep-cut disco and good ol’ punk rock, I will be DJing at Barfly and drinking my face off. Let’s Get Rad Again! If that wasn’t enough, it’s also Amanda’s bday, so all Scorpios are invited. 4062A St-Laurent, 10 p.m., free

For an “indie” night in the truest sense of the word, get your Google mappage on and head down to Studio de Rouen to catch the first day of the 15th edition of Cuch Fest. This is an early one, so BYOB and get weak-kneed with Birmani, Psychic Racoon, Boar God and much, much more. This ends early and starts early, so don’t be tardy and the hit the dep before you start your journey — to wherever the fuk it is. 3935 de Rouen, 6 p.m., $15/PWYC

If you love your sludge metal but yearn for more prog and death elements in the mix, you will want to make it down to Da Turb to catch Ashbreather, who will launch their new rekkid Hivemind. Supporting will be the Aphelion and Alpha Boots. 2040 St-Denis, 7 p.m., $10

Tuesday: If you want some delicious power pop mixed in with punk perfection, you’ll want to catch songwriter Daniel Romano’s new joint Ancient Shapes at le Ritz. If you need a bit more of a shove, openers Private Lives (Priors/Pale Lips) are opening up and they just crushed at Casa a month ago, so don’t be too cool for school — show up early! 179 Jean-Talon W., 7 p.m., $22.77

Wednesday: If you’ve been missing the beer-soaked rock ’n’ roll swagger of yesteryear, you will definitely want to let it all hang out with the dynamic duo the Schizophonics at Casa, with openers les Envaisseurs and — making this an event worth showing up early for — the new trio rising from the ashes of Pale Lips, Taxi Girls. Da Girlz are coming out swinging and, after their debut at Barfly a month and a half ago, are gigging at a furious pace. This is all happening at the glorious Casa so you know it’s gonna be hotsy-totsy! 4871 St-Laurent, 8 p.m., $21.23

Current Obsession: Natural Snow Buildings, Daughter of Darkness

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