F Hello, I just wanted to say that I can barely see out my window today because of what I’m being told is Montreal SMOG. It would be okay if it was FOG. I lived in England for a while, I’m okay with fog. But this is smog, and the main reason for it, I’m told, is people burning wood stoves and FIREPLACES. If this is true, then there should be a total ban on fireplaces. The government should hire people, a team of people, squads of people, to go into the places where people are burning wood in fireplaces — especially rich people with big ornamental fireplaces — and FILL THEM UP WITH CEMENT. If it’s so bad we can see it, we should stop it. [BLEEP!]
F Hello. I saw there was a story online about the TOP 10 companies hiring people in Canada, and it gave a list of the companies hiring in Montreal, and you know, I could use a BETTER JOB. So I went over the list. Here we go:
#1: Hydro Québec. It says they have over 20,000 employees. Sure. Problem: do any of them have English names?
#2 ABB. Hmmm, never heard of it, but it says it’s a top electrical engineering firm. Guess I should have listened to my father and got a degree in something more useful?
#3 Air Transat. Yes, sure. Work the phones and listen to people screaming and crying because their flight was delayed and their vacation was terrible and they want their money back. #4. Ubisoft. They’re looking for GAME TESTERS. I don’t know, isn’t game testing the job that sounds like it would be the most fun in the world and turns out to be the most boring horrible job you have ever had or ever will have in your life? I could go on but never mind, I’ll be late for the shitty job that I at least have. Bye. [BLEEP!]
M I want to talk about another BAD IDEA coming from the Legault government. Like it needed any more bad ideas. Yes, I am talking about dépanneurs and stores being forced to take in everybody’s bottles and cans and now even fucking WINE bottles and JUICE and MILK cartons, because, well, the REAL RECYCLING PROGRAM went TITS UP. So now, dépanneurs are going to be even more cramped and jam-packed than usual. The average small-time corner dep does not have the time, space or money to operate the government’s recycling program!
And what’s going to happen in the summer? People are idiots, they’re not going to clean out their milk cartons and juice cartons — that is part of the reason the rest of the world did not want our recycling, because it was a fucking mess. So now, instead of going somewhere else to stink, the dirty fucking recycling will sit in the dépanneur and STINK. The only ones who are going to be happy about this are the RATS. [BLEEP!]
M Hi. I’ve always wanted to open up a dépanneur called JOHNNY DEP. Pictures of Johnny Dep, every movie he’s ever been in, the whole business. And also have a poster of Homer Simpson, who says, “Welcome to Johnny Dépanneur — alcohol the cause and cure of all of man’s problems.” It would be a nice PASTICHE, no? [BLEEP!]
M Hello Rant Line™, I would like today to talk about WHITE LINES. No, not the old rap song (sings, loosely, a few bars). No, not what we used to do in bars back in the day. I mean the white lines on the roads. Or more what I mean, the white lines that are NOT on the roads. So the Turcot exchange has been in the news, because it’s really obvious there — cars are weaving in and out and practically spinning off the highway, like on one of those old road racing sets, because you can’t see the lines at all. It’s a free-for-all there — like the Indy 500. But that’s just one place! Lines come and go and disappear all over the city. You can be driving along and suddenly, NO LANES.
Go wherever you want! Figure it out on the move! I mean, come on, shouldn’t this be important? To have lines telling cars where to go? And how expensive could it be to fix? You just need a truck with a PAINT BRUSH, right? It’s not like you have to move snow and pick it up and dump it, you just need to paint a line. And it’s got to be cheaper than fixing potholes. Oh yeah, the city doesn’t fix those either. [BLEEP!]
M Why is it that now we can cross Canada on Tesla’s supercharging network and it’s not reported on THE NEWS? We can now cross Canada and we don’t need any gas, we can do it on electricity. All right, go Canada! But news networks, where are you? Why aren’t you reporting this? [BLEEP!]
M The fucking people in line at the SQDC who take for fuckin’ ever to make an order! Like, why can’t you make up your mind when you’ve already been in the line for 20 minutes! There’s a line-up all the time at the SQDC and you always have time to decide on the prices. They’re in big fucking bold on neon yellow paper, you can’t miss it. But for some reason people have to take 20 minutes to know about every single brand and every single EFFECT RATE that they have and the THC level — it’s like, fuck!
Everything the government has ever run is always shit and it always takes forever. And another thing in regards to the SQDC: It’s apparently mandatory now to have a PIECE OF ID before you go get your shit. It’s like the government is willfully trying to drive you back to the BLACK MARKET. I mean, come on. Whenever I go see my dealer, I don’t need to show an ID. I give him the money, he gives me the shit and that’s all there is to it. Done deal. In and out in five minutes. I don’t understand why the government is so dedicated to fucking up everything they do constantly. [BLEEP!]
GOT AN OPINION ON THE LOCAL SCENE? WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! CALL 514-271-RANT (7268) www.rantline.com
See previous editions of the Rant Line™ here.
This edition of the Rant Line™, featuring complaints about Montreal smog and more, was featured in the Cult MTL February issue.
Additionally, to vote for your favourite Montreal people and things in the Best of MTL readers poll, click here.
For more about Montreal smog, visit the Weather Network.