Trailer Park Boys Xmas Christmas

In conversation with the Trailer Park Boys

We caught up with Sunnyvale’s finest — Julian, Bubbles and, uh, Mr. Lahey — to talk about Snoop vs. J-Roc, Trudeau vs. that Harper bastard and kitties vs. titties.

Trailer Park Boys Ricky Bubbles Mr. Lahey RandyJulian
Ricky, Bubbles, Mr. Lahey, Randy and Julian of Trailer Park Boys

You go through life, you meet a few characters. “Fuckin’ way she goes,” I believe someone once put it. And as it happens, over a few days last month, I got to meet a few of the Trailer Park Boys by phone.

Ricky, Julian, Bubbles, Lahey and Randy bring their Christmas-themed live Trailer Park Boys concert, Dear Santa Claus: Go F#ck Yourself!, to Theatre St. Denis this Sunday night. I was there last time, and if I may, wear pants you don’t mind pissing. Or at least an old shirt. It’s almost impossible to not get Randy’s sweat on you.

I’ve interviewed all types of characters, but never actual characters. And I’m a TPB superfan. So I arranged a conference call to Sunnyvale Trailer Park. And then there I was, talking to Julian and Bubbles about Christmas scams, Justin Trudeau, Ricky’s French, Montreal ladies, Snoop Dogg and holiday traditions.

Darcy MacDonald: So congratulations man, you bought the park!

Julian: Thanks man, yeah, I’m pretty excited about it.

DM: How you gonna keep that fuckwit Lahey out though, man?

Julian: It’s gonna be tough, but I think he knows that he’s got a serious drinking problem. I think he’s gonna work on it and he’s gonna stay away until, you know, he’s got that all figured out. [See our interview with Mr. Lahey here.]

Bubbles: (joins call) Hey boys, what’s goin’ on?

DM: You just wakin’ up there Bubs?

Bubbles: Yup, just gettin’ goin’ here.

DM: That goat doesn’t wake you up early in the morning?

Bubbles: What goat? I don’t have a goddamn goat!

DM: Oh wait, what happened to Willy?

Bubbles: Oh, WIlly’s not around. Ricky had to give him away because he was banging everything!

DM: So you guys are getting ready to go out on the road for your Christmas tour, but does Ricky know that yet?

Julian: Well, he does know, but…

Bubbles: He thinks he’s gonna meet Santa Claus.

DM: That’s a tricky one.

Julian: Well, I’m not too worried about that. Christmas is the best time of year to make money, so I’m going out to make some cash. Usually when I go out and do things like this I’ve got enough cash till spring. You know, people get all spendy-crazy around Christmas time, so, good time to capitalize on it, right?

DM: It sure is, and I do appreciate your cold, hard Christmas values, Julian. But I wanna know though, because I’m a parent and I buy the gifts and so on, how does a good person avoid getting robbed out the back of their car around the holidays?

Julian: Okay — you don’t leave your presents in the car! Especially the trunk, the trunk is the first place we’ll look for presents. So you gotta go back and forth, get the presents, unload them at home, go back out, spend some more money, get them home. Y’know, keep the presents outta sight.

DM: And if I wanna just cut out the middle man and go straight to you, what’s the best route?

Julian: Just come to Sunnyvale. I have all kinds of presents that are going on sale at my trailer, and it’s usually about 25 per cent less than what you’d have to pay at the store, so it’s a pretty good deal. Still in their boxes.

DM: Any new money making initiatives in mind for this season?

Julian: Yeah, I got a few things I’m thinking about doing, but I gotta wait till I get to each city, you know, and feel it out a bit.

Bubbles Trailer Park Boys
Bubbles in Trailer Park Boys

DM: And Bubs, I want to ask you, I actually got a cat this year — a little kitty — and I’m wondering what kind of gifts are hot for cats on the go this year?

Bubbles: Well, get him some nice, you know, organic treats, those are always nice, get him some of those. And you could always get one of those gloves with mice on the fingers, and do some belly work on him, that’s always a nice gift.

DM: That does sound good. Now Bubs, you have so many cats around. How do you keep them out of the tree?

Bubbles: (mystified pause) Well…you don’t really keep them out of the tree! If they wanna go up the tree, you let them go up the tree.

DM: I forgot who I was talking to here. That won’t fly at my house. I was thinking of just keeping some low-hanging kitty fruit on the bottom branches to keep him busy.

Bubbles: That’s fine. You can do that too, but you gotta be careful ’cause that’ll attract the rats.

DM: Hey speaking of which — and I know you own the park now — but have you ever looked at Montreal rents? Because it’s dirt cheap to live here.

Julian: Is it?

DM: Yeah, sure! I pay $800 a month rent for a nice big place. You guys ever thought of setting up shop here in Montreal?

Julian: That’s a great idea. Maybe we could go out there and buy a couple of trailers, some land, get it going. Yeah, I mean, I would definitely look into that. I don’t think Ricky would do too well out there, ’cause you know, if people start talkin’ French to Ricky, he’ll just get frustrated and pull out his gun or something. He’s not that bright.

DM: How’s your French, Jules?

Julian: Ah, it’s not good. I do love French women, though. They’re extremely hot.

DM: And Bubs, when you guys come here, we’ve got the dancers, and clubs with the, you know, the whole…so, I know the bird gets a little excited sometimes. So do you ever hit the clubs?

Bubbles: Oh, yes, I love going and looking at the ladies in the clubs in Montreal. ‘Specially the ones that git the boobs out.

DM: Just looking, Bubbles?

DM: Oh you know, I like to get ‘er goin’ just as much as the next guy.

Julian: (laughs) Bubs, you never went into the back room, what are you talkin’ about?

Bubbles: I’ve been in there, many times.

Julian: Nah, ya have not!

Bubbles: Oh yes I have, many times!

Julian: Whatever.

DM: Shifting lanes entirely here, and I don’t know how much attention you guys really pay to politics, but we have a new prime minister here in Canada, and among his many promises, he’s talking about legalizing the weed.

Now, first, I wanted to point out — Julian, you’re a good looking guy. Ever considered a career in politics?

Julian: Heh. Not a chance man. I hate politics. And with us, you know, the more you can rip them off, the better. They’re bigger criminals than us.

DM: Well, if you get on the other side, you have your hands on the purse strings yourself, man. Why run down the hill and fuck just one sheep, you know?

Julian: Yeah, that’s true. But I couldn’t handle hanging out with some of these suit dummies all the time. That would get to me. But that is a good idea. I’ve thought of that.

DM: Any thoughts on Trudeau, Bubs? He seems like your kinda guy to me for some reason. Did you follow his campaign?

Bubbles: I (did) yeah! I was happy that he got elected. I think he’s gonna do a good job. He seems like a pretty cool guy. Helluvalot better than that stupid Harper bastard.

Julian: Ricky does think (Trudeau) is handsome though, he did say that.

Bubbles: Ricky likes his eyes. “Mesmerizing eyes,” I think was the line.

Julian: He’s pretty pissed off they wanna legalize the marijuana, because it’s gonna put him out of a job. Unless he gets a job with these guys, but I can’t see him working for the government.

DM: Trudeau is also promising to put some money back into the arts in this country. You think he might help out the entertainment industry a bit?

Julian: Definitely.

Bubbles: I hope so.

Julian: It’s a good thing. The camera people that follow us around and the crew and all that, a lot of those people lost jobs, and that’s not cool. So hopefully that will happen because we want the camera people to be able to come back to us next year.

DM: Speaking of TV, did you guys ever watch a show called The Drunk and on Drugs Happy Funtime Hour? Seems to me like your kinda thing. Too bad it’s gone.

Julian: Yeah that was a weird show.

Bubbles: I thought it was a good show.

Julian: It was weird but it’s a good show to watch when you’re baked and drunk.

DM: It was a great show. I don’t know how many people really watched it but I sure liked it and I thought you guys might, too.

Julian: Right on, man.

DM: I also saw that interview you boys did with Snoop Dogg down in California on his web channel. What was that like, hanging out with Snoop?

Bubbles: Oh, that was amazing, hanging out with Snoop Dogg, and actually, afterwards, he came to Sunnyvale and hung out for a whole week. He’s gonna be in three episodes coming up on the new (TPB season).

J-Roc trailer park boys
J-Roc in Trailer Park Boys

DM: So he made good on that promise. I wanna know, then — did Snoop and J-Roc get to spend a little time together.

Julian: Ehn…

Bubbles: He wasn’t, uh….Snoop wasn’t a huge fan of J-Roc. He was a little bit aggressive with him and Snoop didn’t like that.

DM: (laughing) Jules, I figured I could ask you, I don’t know if you’d handle J-Roc’s affairs, but what would it take to get J-Roc out on a national tour, and what would be on his rider?

Julian: Oh man. I don’t know, I mean he’d say dope and stuff, but he doesn’t even really smoke dope. I’d say lotsa chips, lotsa pop. He doesn’t drink much liquor. I dunno man, he’s a weird dude, he’s a weird kinda rapper. If I could make money bringing him across the country doing concerts at stuff, that’d be cool, but it’d have to be a lotta money because he drives me nuts.

DM: And how’s the booze sponsorship going, boys? I know you had the Liquormen’s Ol’ Dirty Canadian Whiskey and the Bald Pussy Tequilla, uh, portfolios, respectively.

Bubbles: Liquormen’s Ol’ Dirty is actually out, you can buy it in stores in Newfoundland. They’re testing it out there, and I think it’s coming out in the Maritimes soon, and then the rest of the country. You’ll be able to buy it in Montreal, eventually.

DM: What about the tequila?

Bubbles: The Bald Pussy hit a little bit of a snag with the ol’ name, there. The government said, “No, you can’t call it that, ’cause we know what you’re saying!” (chuckles)

DM: Maybe it should have been in French – ‘La Chatte Rasé’ or something. Hey, speaking of French, you guys know anything about Quebec Christmas traditions? It’s not really in full swing yet when you get here. I think you guys would like it. They party all fuckin’ night, the French!

Julian: Huh. Right on. I’d love to go there. I know there’s like a snowman type dude runnin’ around, drunk or somethin’.

DM: I think you’re confusing that with the winter carnival in Quebec City.

Julian: Oh, that’s Quebec….

Bubbles: What’s the snowman fella’s name again? Rapey, isn’t it? Rapey the Snowman?

DM: What are some of you guys’ favourite Christmas songs?

Bubbles: Oh, I like them all! Depending on the mood, you know, if you really wanna get it on at the party, you’ve got your “Jingle Bells” type stuff. But if you’re, you know, trying to swoon the ladies, you’ve got the more, “White Christmas,” “Silent Night” type music.

Julian: The ladies? I dunno about that. I’m not into the Christmas music. I mean, you’re partying during Christmas, you should still be able to play like, Iron Maiden if you want to. Bands like that. Party music.

DM: A healthy mix, I think, is always good. Any new songs in the repertoire for this year’s sing-sing in Montreal?

Bubbles: You never know what’s gonna come out.

DM: That is certainly for sure.

Bubbles: I’m gonna bring a guitar, so I’ll sing something.

Julian: I’m gonna bring stuff to sell, that’s all I really care about.

DM: And what should Montreal bring out to the show? The crowd goes a little nuts, so what should we bring along?

Bubbles: Lots of money.

Julian: Bring lots of money. And as Ricky would say it, “Bring a good buzz on.” ■

The Trailer Park Boys’ “Dear Santa Claus Go Fuck Yourself” show is happening at Théâtre St. Denis (1594 St-Denis) on Sunday, Dec. 6., 8 p.m., $50.75-$65.25

We’re giving away one pair of tickets to this show. Enter the contest before Friday, Dec. 4 at 4 p.m.,  here. 


Lahey Santa Trailer Park Boys
Mr. Lahey as Santa in Trailer Park Boys

When last we saw ex-trailer park supervisor Jim Lahey, he was exiled from Sunnyvale, forced to reckon with his pathetic alcoholism alone. Does he feel fucked?

“No, I don’t..don’t you get my drift? I’m a positive guy,” Lahey slurs. “Just wait, I gotta get myself a little drinky poo.”

I caught up with him by phone to listen to him stammer, stutter and ramble on about Montreal’s shit river, cosmic ironies, childhood Christmases, his new friend Colonel (or is that ‘Private’?) Leslie Dancer, and more. Here are some highlights.


“Most people are feeling pretty benevolent towards (the refugees) because they’ve suffering badly. And people (who) are scaredy-pants shit bags, you know, ‘Keep it all for me and my friends’ — fuck ’em!”


“The truth of the matter is, it’s all done, it’s all finished, so fuck off and forget about it. It’s called a cosmic irony, my friend. Montreal is a beautiful town. And underlying all the style, and the culture, and the beauty — there’s poop!

“Handled well, excrement can be… you know, if you had an island made of rock and wait a millennium, it can have beautiful trees growing, ‘cuz bird poop brings it back. And that, my friend, is an analogy to what the world is. The earth itself was created from tiny particles of space dust back in the hinterland of inner space.”


“I’m young at heart. I’m not like the shit weasels in the park. They’re always talking about ‘Freedom 35, blah blah, how can I get something for nothing?’ The secret of life is this my friend, and it’s the truth: everything comes to he who waits, as long as he works like hell while he’s waiting. And I’ve worked my tickle-tackle off ever since I was a piggle-pag.”

Randy Trailer Park Boys
Randy of the Trailer Park Boys


“I heard my father say to my mother, on his way out the door, about a week before Christmas: ‘Did you get the b-i-b-l-e for the kids?’ And so I says, ‘bihbul?’ Fuck’s a bihbul? So I called all the toy stores and said, ‘Do you have a bihbul game?’ And of course no one did. So that night I had an epiphany, and said, ‘Maybe it’s bihbul-y!’ So the next day I disguised my voice and called all the stores back, and of course they didn’t have any. So you can imagine my delight on Christmas night when my father broke out the fuckin’ family Bihbul, and read from fuckin’ Leviticus.

“Anyway, the next morning I was out with my dad, and he’d put one of those little briquettes at the bottom of my sock. A little coal briquette. I’d never seen one before. I’d seen pieces of anthracite coal. So I’m out there, ‘cuz I figure it’s a new hockey puck. And I get my hockey stick out, and it’s got a fucked up blade on it. So I’m tossin’ the thing and my old man comes out to shovel the snow off the car so he can drive us all to fuckin’ church (mimics church singing). I see my old man from the corner of my eye so I wind up my hockey stick and give this fuckin’ briquette the biggest you ever fuckin’ — it just turned into a million spickles of coal dust. That’s cosmic irony my friend.”


“I needed help. Randy was not helping. Randy had his dick stuck halfway between a hermaphrodite and a sex change artist and his mind was not on the park. I needed someone, and I knew I needed someone, and presto-change-o! Out pops a fuckin’ Dancer!”


“The film crew that comes into the park, they’re just needy and they’re, like, a montage-media conglomerate. They know that their audience get hooked on things that are controversial. They get hooked on things that are ugly or mean. And they like to see villains. Like Honey Boo Boo. They like to see Jim Lahey makin’ an ass-icle of himself.
“But they never show the good shit. They never, ever show the good shit. They show me an’ Randy in masks, or me trippin’ over myself or pissing myself. But they never show when I shovel out Mrs. Moncrey’s fuckin’ Chrysler. They never show Randy wrapped in garbage bags, down in the septic field, trying to get the fuckin’ thing unclogged.”


“The thing is, when you have a balance in your life — like you have a little bit of fuckin’ 45 proof, and then you have a little bit of white rum, and then, maybe you have a little bit of one drinky-poo from some black strap Cuban molasses, then that’s how you live. You don’t fuckin’ pound 200 proof! Two hundred proof’ll kill ya. I know people that have gone to wood alcohol, you know? ‘Boom’ and they’re fucked.”


“Do you know what antipathy is? There’s such a thing as, like… I would say it’s an antidotal re-antipathy. If you have a monkey, like, you have a monkey and then you have a lion. I mean, the monkey is scared shitless of the lion. But the lion doesn’t give a fuck about the monkey. Except if he’s hungry. Now if you can follow that, check this out: sometimes, sometimes a shit weasel looks at a fuckin’ turtle. And he just can’t stand the sight of that turtle. That’s the trouble with me an’ Ricky. I’m a lion and he’s a turtle. You’re the monkey.”


“The only way Julian looks handsome is when you compare him to all the other shit weasels you see on the show. Of course he looks handsome.”


“Absolutely anything, if you’re told it will make you feel better, and you believe that shit. Like just listen to Jimmy Baker. He’s still rolling strong! I know people that have been converted to a great belief in the everlasting hereafter, in the benevolence of a great creator, by absolute charlatans, who’ve been proven to be so. But these people, whose beliefs were created by charlatans — their faith is unshakable! That’s another cosmic irony, my friend.”

“Every single day, if you want to, you can notice all these wonderful coincidences that happen around you. Like if you write a word down, you can hear someone on CBC saying the word as you’re writing it. Or if you’re thinking something, all of a sudden there it is. Or if you’re sayin, ‘I should talk to Billy Botnick about takin’ the creosote outta my fuckin’ hole pipe.’ And there he is! Botnick appears right before you! And those kinds of coincidences, you can create in your life, my friend. And the truth of the matter is, if you can imagine something, you can achieve it. ” ■

The Trailer Park Boys’ “Dear Santa Claus Go Fuck Yourself” show is happening at Théâtre St. Denis (1594 St-Denis) on Sunday, Dec. 6., 8 p.m., $50.75-$65.25

We’re giving away one pair of tickets to the Trailer Park Boys show. Enter the contest before Friday, Dec. 4 at 4 p.m., here.

To read our latest arts coverage in Montreal, please visit the Arts section.

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