We may become a handjob-free city

Not a fan of rub-n-tugs

Do you enjoy the occasional paid-for handjob at the end of a massage? Well, you might want to get a few more in because, in the absence of a willing partner, you may be rubbing them out on your own soon enough. This week, Denis Coderre made the bizarre announcement that his administration would be cracking down on erotic massage parlours passing themselves off as legitimate businesses.

According to Coderre, “From the massotherapists’ association and the police, we’ve heard that [erotic parlours]” — wait for it — “often they get these permits and the occupation has nothing to do with massotherapy.” Shocking. And though they often hide human-trafficking, outlawing them outright — which, we should note, wasn’t exactly a major campaign issue — will push them further underground, making it harder to help victims. As Cult MTL columnist Peter Wheeland also noted, this sort of improvisational priority-setting may not bode well for democracy at city hall.

But enough about that. One of the local Greenpeace activists languishing in a Russian jail since September, Alexandre Paul, was released on bail. The Arctic 30, you’ll recall, were jailed for trying to scale an oil rig and unfurl a banner protesting drilling for crude in the Arctic ocean. Per the law-talking fellows, this will allow him to return home until he’s tried on charges of hooliganism, which can carry a jail sentence of up to 15 years. Earlier this week, Greenpeace activists scaled the Biosphere to hasten their bros’ release.

Oh, hey — a Charter of Montreal Values. In skateboarding terms, that’s an ABD — Already Been Done. But yeah, we’re down with Jess Solomon’s “EXTREME reality show” idea with construction execs and mafia dons living under the highways they build.

The federal government is ponying up $95 million to help clean up Lac-Mégantic post-catastrophe. The company responsible, Montreal, Maine & Atlantic, only had $25 million in liability insurance to cover the damage their train did.

Finally, rest in peace to Mad Dog Vachon. And you, too, Nick Babeu.

@lucaswisenthal on that Twitter and that Insta