Here’s who you’ll see on St-Laurent

Not the Saturday night in question, but close enough. Photo via Flickr

In a world far, far away, removed from the mundane routine that can be everyday life, lies a minuscule stretch of land, extending but a few blocks, with a reputation known far and wide. A land, legend has it, that frees humans from any sense of responsibility and personal limit.  A land where, in terms of fashion, less is more, and where men spend hundreds and sometimes thousands of dollars “popping bottles” of alcohol — a symbolic gesture comparable to the spreading of feathers by peacocks during mating season, both attracting females and establishing a hierarchy within the flock.

This is lower St-Laurent on a Saturday night at 2 a.m., and these are the people who party there.

 

“Willy Wonka,” 20-something, occupation unknown; Hamza, 20-something, occupation unknown; Gabriel, 20-something, occupation unknown

Anne-Darla Lucia D.: How drunk or high are you guys on a scale of one to 10?
Willy Wonka: Oh, four. I’m always high.
Hamza: More like 40. I smoked, like, honestly, like, no joke, like, 40 joints in the past 48 hours. I haven’t slept. And wait — and wait — I don’t do any hard drugs. I just smoked.

AD: What about you, Gabe? How high are you?
Gabriel: I’m high.

AD: How high?
G: Like, fucking high.

AD: So what did you guys do tonight?
WW: We went to my house.
H: Yeah, to the trap.

AD: The trap?
G: Yeah, what we mean by that is a trap concert.

AD: Where was it?
G: It was at Olympia.

AD: And who was performing?
G: Um, trap lord.

[Note: There was no such event]

AD: What are you doing with the rest of the night?
H: We’re going to go skateboarding and get wasted.

AD: That’s safe. Where?
G: Probably Square Victoria.

AD: What’s the last book you read?
WW: The Tibetan Book of the Dead.
G: The Medicine Way.
H: The Catcher of the Rye. [sic]

AD: Is anybody bringing a girl home tonight?
WW: Yeah.
H: 100 per cent.

AD: What is the key to getting laid?
G: Just be yourself. And make them laugh.
H: If you want to get laid, no substance, just pure positivity, positive energy, and be yourself.

AD: Thank you.

 ***

Imad, 28, physician; Keith, 28, software engineer

AD: Where are you from?
Keith: New York.

AD: What are you here for?
Imad: Bachelor party. I’m getting married.

AD: How does it feel to be getting married?
I: I feel as though it is the, um — it is the death of a part of me? And the rebirth of another.

AD: Is that good?
I: I mean, um… I’m also trying to… trying to express the love that… the people south of the border have for you guys. Because the people south of the border are not nearly as friendly and as outgoing as you guys are. All as a collective, Canadians have proven to us…to be.

AD: That’s beautiful.
I: You don’t understand. I met people from Sherbrooke when I was at a national conference for neurology. I’m actually a neurologist. I met people from Sherbrooke and people from Montreal twice now, and the love for humanity you guys have I feel is more, as a generalization — as compared to the love for humanity that Americans have. Now that means that I am still truly a patriot,  but comparatively — comparatively, it is a subjective assessment that I’ve made.

A: Wow. Why Montreal?
I: I believe we chose Montreal for honesty’s sake. One of my best friends was actually deported from America; he is a Nova Scotia native. However, push come to shove, some things happened with his green card and citizenship. He grew up with us. He’s been in America for 20 years and yet some bullshit — I’m sorry.  He didn’t fill out some forms for the American customs and the embassy, and, therefore, he was not granted the American visa and citizen. So basically he overstayed his visa. And it turns out the American customs did not allow him back into America, so our options were limited. However, so apparently we were considering South America and Canada. It turned out that Canada was by far the greatest choice, as compared to Mexico, and also less expensive.

AD: Great story. How drunk are you on a scale of one to 10?
I: Seven.
K: Like a six.

AD: Are you planning on getting that number up a little bit?
I: Um, you know, I plan on getting it up to a nine, because, you know, at the age of 28, I don’t believe in blacking out anymore.  I just believe on — I just believe in about dancing on furniture. And I have been dancing on furniture most of the night.

AD: Ah, one of those. What did you guys do earlier on during the night?
I: We went out to Pinq Taco, and before that we went to Kamasutra.

AD: How were the girls at Kamasutra?
I: Actually, out of all these men over here, I actually had a conversation. I actually had a 40-minute conversation with my stripper before.

AD: I gather you spoke about politics.
I: I spoke about actually her background, where she had travelled, my background, where I had travelled. I strive to, I strive to — I strive to get an actual dialogue with the strippers before I…receive their services.
K: I got services within a couple of minutes.

AD: What was the best part of your night and what was the worst part of your night?
I: The best part of my night was dancing on the sofa for about an hour and a half, and I plan on going back for the last half hour that is allowed by Montreal law.
K: The best part of my night was watching him strip at Kamasutra.
I: Okay, okay, asshole — thank you very much. The worst part of my night was being hit by a stripper with a belt four times on my ass.

AD: Why St-Laurent, out of all places?
I: Because we went on Rue Crescent, and that seemed to be the most touristy area, and before this we looked on Yelp and TripAdvisor to see where the locals go. And it seems like Rue St-Laurent is the area where all of you guys go out on. We wanted to blend in with the locals. We have not been disappointed so far.

AD: Finally, Keith, the single one, how easy is it for a lovely man like yourself to pick up a girl in Montreal?
K: I think the girls here are definitely friendlier than in the States. This might just be me. We might just be drunk.

AD: Thank you.

 ***

Cody, 24, occupation unknown; Michael, age and occupation unknown

AD: How drunk are you on a scale of one to 10?
Cody: Nine.

AD: What did you drink or take?
C: I don’t remember.

AD: Is it a mixture of alcohol and illicit substances?
C: Yes

AD: Do you want to get more fucked up?
CM: Yes.

AD: Where were you?
C: The shithole.

AD: Where’s the shithole?
C: BSide.

AD: Why do you call it a shithole?
CM: It’s just bad.

AD: Are you going anywhere after this?
C: Are you?

AD: Did you get lucky tonight?
C: No, but I will.

AD: What is your technique to pick up girls?
C: I can’t dispose of that information.

AD: Why did you decide to dress the way you dressed tonight?
C: Because I’m fucking awesome.

AD: Do you think that a shirt that says drinking, marijuana, smoking and street dweller is a little douchebag-ish?
C: Not at all.

AD: What’s the last book you read?
C: Bambi.

AD: Where is the Democratic Republic of Congo?
C: Well, obviously it’s in the United States of America. That was a joke.

AD: What’s Bill 14?
C: I don’t know. Wait, what is Bill 14? Isn’t it the Bill 101 bullshit?

AD: Yes, somewhat.
C: So why are you calling it Bill 14?

AD: Because it’s called Bill 14. So what’s been the best part of your night?
C: I don’t know — I’m still working on that.

AD: What’s been worst part of your night?
C: This.

AD: What’s your favourite porn site?
C: YouJizz.

AD: Do you feel like the quality of pornography has diminished in the past couple of years?
C: Psht. No. Better, like, every day.

AD: How often do you go to the gym?
C: Like, never. I swear to God, two strippers came up to me once and were like, “Oh my God, can we touch your arms?” And I was like, “My arms? What arms? I don’t have any arms. I haven’t been to the gym in the past six months.”

AD: Thank you. ■