Too many dance parties, not enough week

First world problems, right? Not when you’re drinking brown water.

Okay, so before we get to the parties, lemme get this straight: The mayor of Toronto may or may not have been caught on tape smoking rock (and definitely was caught on camera with a dude who got murdered after), and our own municipal government, less arguably, has been conducting affairs with the types of cabals that put the shit on the streets.

And yet, to date, the perpetrators in both instances are still free to go about their business until enough evidence to give them a slap on the wrist is gathered.

So why is this Internet rapper kid Cameron d’Ambrosio, guilty of nothing more than a big imagination and posting some shitty rhymes to his Facebook, being held without bail for three months until his trial? The young, aspiring lyricist made reference to the Boston bombings in terms of his vision for the White House last month, and was arrested and detained.

I guess it’s just because ineptitude is really a top-to-bottom package deal. I mean, since time immemorial, Montrealers have wondered why our buildings, roads and apparently now our water treatment facilities are crumbling around us.

You gotta wonder who really pissed who off at city hall bad enough to have a decade-plus worth of dirty laundry aired in such dramatic fashion, because to the naked eye, that’s the only explanation of how this came to such a sudden, rolling boil.

And then you gotta wonder: How come when we get pissed off and speak up, we get arrested?

I’ll give Montrealers more respect than to compare us, a city full of fed-up taxpayers, with a crustached wannabe rapper teen in Massachusetts. But then again, this is the same town that brought charges against a girl for Tweeting a photo of a graf piece.

If you still can’t figure out the logic on that one, ask yourself why even a 14-year-old kid can tell you that it’s so crooked up top that the whole shit deserves the Jenga treatment.

But don’t ask out loud on social media, or you might just find the wheels of justice spinning full-throttle into your smart phone, laptop and living room. They’re inept at the top, but not so inept that they can’t shut down the rabble-rousers.

“SMH,” you say? Fuck that. Shake your fists instead.

Here’s where you can throw it up this week.

Thursday – Kick at the TRH-Bar with DJ B Green in the booth, subbing for yours truly and guaranteed to col’ rock the party from the skate bowl to the terrasse.

Friday – Rap fans know that the End of the Weak Montreal battles pit the MCs against each other and the DJ in an elimination contest that tests skill at multiple levels, freestyle and written. Mehdi Cee and Obia le Chef are among contenders on this month’s card, and guest headliner K.T./Suisse, the 2012 EOW champ, is in the building at Cabaret Underworld.

Out east, Booty Bakery greets summer at an honest-to-God bakery and a crazy line-up including NYC’s Wavy Spice, London’s Roberto Piqueras, High Klassified, Yard666Sale and your Booty Based hosts Phil Sparkz, Bongiovanni and Compton Chic.

Meanwhile, French Connection DJs – that’s Twitch, Djoolz and Sagewondah – celebrate two years of holding down la Porte Rouge.

SaturdayTha Dogg Pound gets rowdy at Underworld with crew OGs Kurupt and Daz Dillinger off their chains. Last time I saw Kurupt at le Belmont — in 2011, I believe it was — I didn’t know what to expect, and it ended up being one of my all-time, Top 10 live rap shows, so don’t sleep. Sagewondah’s on the ones and twos, and Markings opens up just like he did for Cult MTL in a feature you can read tomorrow.

At En Cachette, Simahlak and Sagewondah’s weekly Moonshine Saturdays gets its first monthly visit from Rap Mommies. First guest up is DJ RrKelly, who, along with host Cmonamie, will cast their feminine wiles on the men-folk of hip hop.

Sunday – Head back to En Cachette for a 5 à 7 nebulously offering up Deep House with no mention of specific DJs but most capably in the hands of local crew Knife n Fork.

Of course, you can also go buck all day at Piknic Élektronik, with the U.K.’s legendary “Baron of Techno” Dave Clarke headlining the Moog stage from 7 p.m.

Monday – It’s a Monday-Out-Party, y’all: NYC hardcore rap legends M.O.P. make a rare stop in Muntree with Wu producer Bronze Nazareth alongside. Openers include 2012 Canadian beatbox champ Scott Jackson, rapper Tragic of Philly Moves, local MC/Epic Meal Timer Tyler Lemco and Montreal’s one and only DJ Redd Dredd topping it off at yet another not-to-be-missed show this week.

Tuesday – Oh baby, it’s on…weather permitting! Head-Ninja-in-charge Ghostbeard and the man they call Poirier bring it back to the Sud-West at the St. Ambroise terrasse with big, breezy summer riddims and my favourite monthly summer evening pastime, by far. They’ve pushed the clock back an hour this season, starting at 7 p.m. and wrapping tings up neat at 11.

Wednesday – It’s a perfect night for a Beaux Dégâts at Foufounes Électriques. Construct, Bevvy Swift, Famelik and FunkyFalz set the mood and six teams of painters shake their fists all over them canvases. And did you know that you cast your votes with empty beer cans? This shit is wildly interactive.The monthly Under Pressure art battle is a hella good time, every time, so make it your first if need be because it certainly won’t be your last. ■


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