Calling all gangbangers

This week, Sasha helps push a married couple to explore a long-dreamed of fantasy involving many men and one woman. Also, when not to touch the bang bang fruit.

Dear Sasha,
My wife and I have spent many years plotting a pretty radical scene. It has fueled much excitement between us, but, as of yet, we’ve yet to realize it.

Both of us are very turned on by the idea of a gangbang scenario. When we have sex, it is a fantasy that comes up consistently. All I have to say is, “I am just going to go out onto the street and pick out a random group of men to…” and the juices start to flow.

We have spent some time online researching the possibility and even a few years back came across a column of yours that assisted another couple with this. One thing you mentioned is how difficult they can be to organize; studs will agree and then drop out last minute. This would be very awkward and disappointing, to say the least, but we also want to be able to choose and, of course, her comfort is paramount.

I will also admit that there is a small seed of fear about all of this that I need to share. My wife was sexually abused as a child, and I can’t help but think that this desire might be connected to that abuse. I would hate to be somehow participating in this, if you understand what I mean. I would hate to be profiting off her grief in any way I guess is what I’m saying.

Do you have any new suggestions for us?

—Five Would Not be a Crowd

Dear Five,
Eleven years ago, the French art critic Catherine Millet published a book called The Sexual life of Catherine M. It detailed, with unflinching Gallic determination, a history of her sexual interests, primarily her single-minded fascination with having sex with many men at once. I love this book. I also like this passage from an interview Jessica Berens conducted with Millet in The Observer:

“There is a natural inclination to view misery as the psychic fuel of her promiscuity and thus condemn her enjoyment as an illness — even to see her as a sex addict in need of a programme, but this would be to agree with all those arrogant old medics who spent years causing untold damage to the normal sensate women they incorrectly treated as ‘hysterics.’ Millet sees herself as a normal person afflicted with an average ration of angst.”

“’It is evident that sexuality is formed as a child,’ [Millet] says, ‘but what can happen to one person in childhood can have a different effect on another. It is dangerous to think that the taking of pleasure can be traced to neurosis, for this leads to the religious attitudes that demanded the taking of pleasure demanded atonement.’”

Because of our tendency to connect sexual nonconformity with sexual abuse, to concern ourselves with its root more than its blossom, we worry if it is an extension of that pain. But we should also look at why this gives us pause not to enact our desires. Is it not possible that experimenting with radical sexual practices is also a way of healing from experiences that were non-consensual? Of reclaiming our sexual selves? Even if these things are at times connected, do we not have the right to explore them empirically?

I believe it is worth being circumspect when pursuing a radical fantasy — especially one that has been treasured and provided such glory for so long. To connect it solely with a history of abuse does it a disservice, while at the same time knowing that our sexuality is complex allows us to be aware of unpleasant feedback when pursuing it.

What I would do is dip my toe into the idea of group sex first. Nothing, in my experience, beats actual face time with people who have experimented with the same fantasy you have or are at least familiar with it. You will find out very quickly if this is something that translates as enticingly to the meat world (by the way, thank you, Andrea Zanin, you gigantic nerd, for introducing me to this term).

I would be inclined to pay a visit to a Lifestyle or fetish party and introduce yourselves to the other folks standing around naked or in towels. “Hi,” you might say, “we are an adventurous couple that has long fantasized about a gangbang featuring the obvious charms of the little lady here.” And then this might happen: “How wonderful! Bob and I aren’t into gangbangs ourselves — we prefer more traditional swapping — but you should talk to Eileen and Trent over there. They’ve organized many gangbangs. They might even be able to help you find a few fellows to get one going in the BDSM room in an hour or two.”

Or perhaps you will just go and soak in the atmosphere and witness other women enjoying the pleasures of a few men at once. Take your time and enjoy. And do know that one bad or unrequited experience does not indicate failure. If it turns out that the real world does not offer the same exhilaration, you may always return to the fantasy.
 

Bad touch


Dear Sasha,
I was making out with this guy and he kept saying I was too rough when I was touching him down there, and then he just started doing it himself. I found it very strange. I have never had that experience with anyone else before. It was very big and very sensitive. Could he have had surgery on it? What was the problem?

—Anon

Dear Anon,
Have you ever had someone touch your genitals in a way that was displeasing or strange? That didn’t suit your needs? Generally, it’s because they are going on what has been intimated was a good technique and are too afraid to ask if you like what they’re doing because it implies that they don’t have sex ESP and, therefore, they are a shitty lover.

What is actually possible is that your partner has not had surgery on his penis — meaning he is uncircumcised and that your ministrations were indeed a little rough for his rod, which is usually covered by a foreskin. Or perhaps he has a particularly sensitive penis regardless of whether it includes a foreskin or not.

Everyone likes different things. Asking before tugging is always a good practice. 

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