Quebec, Ink — Monkey porn

The headline-hogging Ikea monkey is definitely from Montreal, and, like us, he probably won’t see the original version of Agent 728 XXX, our local porn industry’s take on another name pulled from the headlines, police officer Stéfanie Trudeau.

The top-trending story everywhere Monday was the tale of the young rhesus macaque monkey that got loose in a Toronto furniture store parking lot. It was described as “originally from Montreal,” apparently because it was wearing a double-breasted shearling coat rather than a tracksuit to shop at Ikea. That, and it didn’t speak English.

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To the irritation of some Quebec politicians, Liberal leadership hopefuls Marc Garneau and Justin Trudeau have both rejected the idea of reopening constitutional talks to find a way to get Quebec on board.

Yes, I know. With Quebec nationalists in power, agreeing to Canadian constitutional reform is a little like agreeing to let your ex-wife redesign your house. There’s no way she wants to live there, but she still wants to fight over where to put the couch.

In other good news, Stephen Harper has given his approval in principle to a private members bill from NDP MP Alexandrine Latendresse that would require future candidates for senior posts such as auditor general be bilingual. The bill was spurred by opposition to Harper’s appointment of unilingual Michael Ferguson to the AG post a year ago. Latendresse pointed out that former AG Sheila Fraser might not have understood the scale of the Liberal sponsorship scandal if she had been unilingual.

Or vision-impaired.

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Agent 728, the controversial SPVM cop who was videoed pepper-spraying students during protests and was suspended pending an investigation into an incident in which she was filmed choking a man in a stairwell, may finally get some positive exposure. Constable Stéfanie Trudeau’s attempts to block the porn film Agent 728 XXX may reach a compromise, provided the producers change the name of the film and modify some of the scenes. Here are some of the titles they could use:

• Deep Throat Hold
Beyond the Red Square
• Sgt. Pepperspray

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Quebec’s anti-corruption law has been broadened to include contracts of $100,000 or more after lobbying by Montreal mayor Michael Applebaum. The cabinet decree means the law will affect hundreds of contracts instead of the handful that would have been subject to the original Bill 1, which set the bar at $50 million. Any firms bidding for these contracts will now be vetted by the Autorité des marchés financiers. The savings will be passed on to taxpayers in millions of brown paper bags. ■

Peter Wheeland is a Montreal journalist and stand-up comic. His sardonic observations about the city and province appear at least once a week in this space. You can follow him on Twitter or find out about his upcoming stand-up performances here.

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