Learn to fucking cook: pumpkin pie

What, this old thing? Why, I made this in my sleep!
Photo by Neeta Lind via Flickr

So, it’s American Thanksgiving — or to the rest of us, Thursday. And everyone knows Thursday is pie day.

You could make your own pie crust, but if you’re anything like me, you get suicidal at the prospect of having to scrape it off your counter and somehow get it into the pie plate in one piece. And then you gotta do it again for the top crust?! Listen, it ain’t ever gonna happen. Resign yourself to your fate of forever consuming frozen pie crusts (ideally with pie in them).

Truth is, you can make some pretty decent-looking and decent-tasting pies with frozen crusts, particularly single-crust pies — lemon meringue, apple streusel, pumpkin. And if you fuck that last one up, there’s really no hope for you at all, because they essentially make pumpkin pie in a can. Quite literally, you open a can and plop its contents out into a bowl, mix in some spices, some eggs and some sweetened condensed milk, pour it into a pre-baked pie crust (read the box), bake it and BAM! You’ve got yourself a goddamn pumpkin pie. Here, read this recipe, but forget the pastry cutouts. You know why? Because you’ve got a secret weapon: whipped cream.

I’m not talking Cool Whip or whipped edible oil product in a can. If you want people to remember the pumpkin pie you made that one time, you’ve got to impress people with your whipped cream.

You’ll need:
•  500mL (2 cups) of 35 per cent whipping cream
•  4–5 tablespoons of powdered/icing sugar
•  2 vanilla beans
•  A cold metal bowl and cold mixer beaters

How to do it:
•  Put the bowl and beaters in the freezer for at least an hour
•  Split your vanilla beans lengthwise and scrape out all the black stuff (seeds). Watch this video if you’re confused
•  Pour the cold cream into the frozen bowl and add the vanilla seeds
•  Beat the cream with the mixer until it starts to thicken
•  Add the sugar, adjusting the amount according to taste. Beat until peaks form and the cream takes on a tinge of pastel yellow
•  When you try to hold the bowl upside down, does the whipped cream stay put?
……….→ No: Keep mixing.
……….→ Yes: Stop. (Unless you want to make butter.)

You see those little black specks of vanilla? Only culinary masterminds use real vanilla and not extract. You’re going to fucking hypnotize your friends and family with your dazzling cooking skills, even if your pie was just alright. So put a serving spoon in the bowl, let people heap the whipped cream onto their pumpkin pie and let the compliments come pouring in.  ■