Rules of the bones

Dear Sasha,
Do you have any idea if you can damage your hand joints or bones from using a hand-held vibrator too much? Can it cause arthritis?

— Shaken

Dear Shaken,
It’s about time someone asked. For about two years now, I have had a numbing pain in my wrist that I have boiled down to three activities:
1) Trying to hoist myself up around street signs to prove that even though I am well into my forties, I can still pole dance like a bouncy 20-year-old;
2) Sleeping with the backside of my hand smushed awkwardly against my face;
3) Jerking off relentlessly with a very powerful vibrator.

A chiropractor friend offered some relieving insight. Regular arthritis, osteo-arthritis as it’s called, is caused by advancing wear and tear.

“If someone fractures their hand, then their bone and hand becomes more susceptible [to osteo-arthritis] because the whole complex is compromised,” she says, but adds she wouldn’t be worried about instigating arthritis from using a hand-held vibrator.

Drew Sahai, an occupational hygienist with the Construction Safety Association of Ontario, says that construction workers who use industrial vibration equipment for prolonged periods of time risk what is called White Finger Syndrome, which is often mistakenly taken to be arthritis. So unless you are shopping for sex toys at Home Hardware and masturbating is your job, it is doubtful that you would suffer the same.

As for other possible masturbation related afflictions, the chiropractor says, “Your body is designed for certain things, but anytime it’s put to doing something too long, you risk something called a repetitive strain injury.”

Masturbation is an activity like any other. There are various activities that you do which may strain your wrist: waitressing, using a computer, playing racquetball. A combination of things may contribute to aches in your hand and wrist, and if you’ve strained it doing some, others might hurt as a result.

“Overall, there’s nothing to worry about,” she says. “If for some reason, through this activity or not, your hand is more fragile, the vibrating might tip it over the edge, but if your hand is sore and is limiting your enjoyment, go get it checked out.”
 
 

IS YOU OR IS YOU AIN’T MY GAYBY?  

Dear Sasha,
I have met a really fabulous guy. We get along with an ease and familiarity that I usually associate with people I have known a really long time. And he is attractive! The problem? I think he may be gay. I am trying really hard not to succumb to stereotypes and generalizations, but he has very effeminate mannerisms. It has come up in discussion and he insists that he isn’t gay, and that he is very attracted to me. But the fear of getting hurt by him deciding later on that he is gay, and being misled, lingers in my mind. I have been in a similar circumstance before, and that is why I feel so fearful. I know that when it comes down to it, I have to either believe and trust that he knows himself and his sexuality or not believe him, and that I run the risk of getting hurt in any relationship. Do I ignore what my eyes tell me and listen to what he says to me? Or I am just being a fool?

—Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,
Have you ever been to any small towns in southern Ontario? When I go out driving in our beautiful rural districts, I like to play a game I call “Lesbian or Small Town Southern Ontario Girl (Or Both)?”

The point being, sometimes people just look and act in ways we commonly associate with certain social archetypes, in the aforementioned case, stout and rugged babes with fresh, fluffy mullets and light denim jeans. Recently I traveled to Calgary and was treated to the same visual feast.

Another thing to consider is that unless they are profoundly closeted or cruel, gay men have way better things to do than pretend to like girls. There are many enviable places and spaces and activities designed for them to have fun and be social and feel at ease with their sexual orientation. Why would they waste their time leading a woman on when they could be getting laid? It seems preposterous.

Now, I’m not one to tell people not to listen to their instincts, my adage being “just because someone says something with conviction doesn’t mean it’s true.” Perhaps your new friend is gay and he simply can’t get with that fact. Or perhaps he’s realized that gay men “have it going on” and he’s made the choice to present this way. You won’t know until you take the leap, right?
 
 

MARITAL AIDS

Dear Sasha,
I am very happily married, very sexually satisfied, and very into porn. My wife and I couldn’t be better off together, but for some reason I can’t let go of my fascination with porno videos and softcore Taschen books.

She has clearly expressed that she has no interest in it, and so I’ve kept my predilection to myself. My problem is that I know I can’t keep this a secret forever, nor would I want to keep anything from her, but how do you go about enjoying graphic content when it grosses out your spouse?

—Phillius

Once again, I marvel that people make this kind of long term pledge somehow anticipating it will extinguish all other forms of desire, and that they are amazed that even though their sex life is healthy and satisfying, they still long for other forms of sexual diversion. Honestly, a little porn and some ponderously refined hedonism (yes, that would be Taschen) as an accomplice to a healthy relationship? Sounds pretty gnarly to me.

You need to get to the root of your wife’s objection, and “because it’s disgusting” isn’t good enough. Incontestable contempt shuts the door to any logical communication, and promotes a covert atmosphere. Anyone who agrees to spend eternity with you owes you at least an opportunity to really analyze conflicting interests, and vise versa.

People often have really legitimate reasons for finding sexually explicit material offensive but they don’t feel comfortable or safe verbalizing them. They associate it with a creepy person who did creepy stuff to them at some point in their life. Like many people, creepy people occasionally take an interest in pornography, and unfortunately those to whom they have been creepy end up getting exposed to it via them in unhealthy and exploitative ways.

Porn can have a jarring effect on a person as it is utterly unequivocal. Its one and only purpose is to turn you on — in essence, it is sex propaganda — and that makes a lot of folks really nervous. But people need to learn how to expand on their strong reactions without feeling threatened. Two books that may help facilitate conversation: For Each Other by Lonnie Barbach and The Good Vibrations Guide To Adult Videos. ■

Email Sasha at pouledeluxe@yahoo.com